Monday, August 24, 2015

Olympic Gold Medals For All

How to get an Olympic gold medal in ten, or maybe more or maybe less, fun steps: 

1. Run a hundred meters in under nine and a half seconds.

2. Or Stab the guy who did and take his.

3. It may be difficult to stab this particular person, as it turns out he may be hard to catch.

4. So you could instead just wrap an Olympic gold medalist in antelope and gazelle juice, and then set a cheetah on him. 

5. Then later merely enter a fight to the death with the cheetah for the prize of the medal.

6. It may help to travel back in time to an era of slave gladiator fighting pits, because then they'll probably give you a sword. 

7. Cheetahs have sharp teeth and are well trained brutal killers, so trust me, you WANT a sword.

8. Or if you can't find a time machine just BRING a sword. 

9. That may end up saving you being forced to give your medal to your owner. 

10. And you could also avoid being a slave all together.

11. These are things worth at least contemplating.

12. I'd like to see Doc and Marty take on the fighting pits, the Queen could be Michael J Fox in drag, and when the Doc gets lanced in the face he could yell 'Great Scott'. 

13. Of course it may end up being difficult to wrap the gold medalist in gazelle and antelope juice because:
A. Neither gazelles nor antelope fit in most domestic juicing machines.
B.  Plus they tend to be full more of blood, bone and sweet memories of Sahara sunsets than 'juice'.
C. Also when you try to catch one you'll be forced to deal with the cheetahs already chasing them.
D. And you do NOT want to get into a fight with one of them under any circumstances, they have sharp teeth and are well trained brutal killers. 
E. Plus if you kill an African big cat you may be forced to become a dentist.
F. It also may be difficult to wrap a hundred meter gold medalist in juice of any kind, because as it turns out he may be hard to catch. 

14. Oh, so you're now looking for another route to get a gold? 

15. If you haven't got a gold medal by now it's because you gave up when I called somethings 'hard'.

16. So maybe you don't DESERVE a gold medal!

17. You lazy bastard. 

18. Gold medals are for winners, not lazy, people stabbing, cheetah fighting assholes.

19. You make me sick. 

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