Craig Sandlewood hates silence.
Like REALLY hates it.
Hates it more that he hates the scoring system in gymnastics.
And you do NOT want to get him started on that abomination.
He's tried many things over the years to avoid silence.
Singing to himself.
Barking like a dog.
Pretending he was skitzofrenic.
Reciting the bylaws at his local squash club.
Screaming in a primal roar the words 'blue murder!!!'
Eating chalk with his mouth open.
Pouring buckets of water on street cats.
Calling in false reports to the police of muggings in action to get sirens blazing.
Reminding strangers that even pro athletes miss sometimes, so why the hell do they get paid so much?
Claiming to be Hitler and proving it with an improvised speech.
Verbally reviewing how strangers walked.
Scratching sidewalks with his conveniently sharpened toenails.
Picking fights with gutter vermin.
Making monkey sounds.
Using strangers heads as bongos.
Suddenly remembering outloud 'oh fuck, I think I left the oven turned off, thank god'.
He even stooped low enough to try humming.
He's yet to find something that consistently works for him.
But he keeps trying.
Day after day he's trying.
Trying harder than a gymnastics competitor.
And they try HARD!!
Don't you EVER fucking accuse them of not trying.
Not that the god damn scorers fucking acknowledge that.
Fortunately Craig Sandlewood has time to keep trying things to avoid the silence.
For Craig Sandlewood has no friends.
Apparently Something about him annoys people.