Monday, August 17, 2015

Here is some really seriously good life advice

If you would like to sell a paper hat for a million dollars simply:

1. have it officially declared international paper hat day.
2. Sleep with an eccentric paper hat loving billionaire.
3. Make sure to compliment his scrotum. 
4. Make a really seriously good paper hat.
5. Try and sell it to the eccentric paper hat loving billionaire. 
6. Be successful in those efforts. 
7. Ignore parts five and six unless you can be very clear about your price tag.
8. Make your price tag 'one million dollars'. 

Please Note:

- Parts 1, 2 and 3 are obviously optional. Eccentric paper hat loving billionaires are rarely swayed by sex, nor international days of stuff. They just love paper hats.
- Parts 5 and 7 are also optional, and yet part 8 could not exist without them, so that's fun. 
- Declaring it international paper hat day may in fact both increase your competition for the sale, and at the same time make it harder to source the necessary paper for your paper hat. 
- If your hat is really truly really seriously good you may not even need the billionaire, good stuff is valuable on its own merits, regardless of levels of eccentricity occupied by the potential purchaser. 
- If he has a particularly ugly scrotum then your compliment may sounds like sarcasm or even pandering.
- If he has a particularly ugly scrotum it may be because someone had once stapled it to a wooden bench, after he had previously laid out the challenge - 'bet you can't use this stapler for something other than connecting to pieces of paper or something similar'. 
- The person he challenged won that bet. 
- Having sex with him may make him question his current levels of fertility so it's a good idea to remind him that you can disable your fertility faster with a microwave than a brainwave, unless your brainwave was to 'just use a hammer'. 
- While we all know that every time a leg falls off an arm grows, it would be nice to remind him that regardless you do NOT grow a third testicle to scratch with that arm. 
- Wait did I say life advice, I mostly meant testicle advice.
- This whole scheme works best if by 'you' you mean 'a duck', by 'paper hat' you mean 'a huge diamond' and by 'a million dollars' you mean 'three daffodil petals'. 

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