Saturday, August 29, 2015

Humankind is pretty sweet

There have been some great achievements made by humankind. I think we can pretty much all agree with a statement like that. You poll 88 people outside a mall and I bet you 80 of them will say 'yeah, I can agree there have been some great achievements by humankind' and that’s a high number, especially when you consider the other three options in the multiple choice were A. Nah fuck that, I'm not agreeing to shit. B. Yeah sure, but what about floods, can we think about floods for a minute please? And D. I'll blow you for some weed. And here is the thing, out of the eight people who didn't answer C, at least four of them will say 'meh' when you ask them the follow up question - can you think of a species that's made more great achievements, when looking at volume of achievements rather than specific quality and while looking only at achievements in a vacuum devoid of failures, which we don't discount existing, just we're choosing not to factor them in at this specific time?

So I think we've established humans have made some great achievements, I mean just think of them, houses, hats, questionnaires outside malls, the list is endless. Humans are great

Which brings me to Lewis Grant, a man who is a genius inventor. Now I know Lewis is a genius because I have had my life changed by his work, changed for the better, possibly even enriched, which is like being rich without the models. So I rate Lewis. Just think of some of his amazing inventions most of us use every day:

- His canoe that constantly updates paddlers on the pollution levels of the body of water it’s floating in and with it the danger of falling in.
- The number Forfth, falling conveniently between fourth and fifth which saves us all constantly having to write 'sort of between fourth and fifth' which is particularly helpful when debating which period of Beethoven's life he was most in favor of implying curfews on squirrels.
- The phrase 'blast your cursing ape' which he coined after his neighbor bought a pet ape and gave it a ghetto blaster and a tape of children learning swear words from teenagers, but a phrase that has since found ironic popularity it artisan cookie circles.
- His guided hospital gown with a tracking device allowing fans of saggy sick person butt to time their 'visits to sick friends’ in hospitals perfectly.
- And of course the product that he made a name for himself with, his amazing hair wax that's only 86% as greasy as your leading brand name waxes, as we all know called 'almost touchable'.

Most of us use all of these at least a dozen times a week, at least those of us that have been enriched by them enough to afford them. So I think we've now established two things:

1. Humankind has made some great achievement.
2. Well not all of humankind, Lewis Grant is lifting at least six people's loads, lift your own loads you lazy bastards!

This is what I was thinking when Lewis invited me to his house this week. This was no social visit. Lewis claimed he’d hit the mother load, his crowning achievement, and possibly humankind's greatest moment, and he’d offered me, as a world renowned journalist, a chance to be the first to see it.

‘It’s a ray machine that makes people disappear’ he said, as we both stood over what looked like science fiction laser blaster, ‘and here’s the thing, it also leaves the entire world with no evidence or memory of the person, including making it so the rays user has no memory of using it!’
‘But then how do you know it works if you don’t remember using it?’ I asked, being a world renowned journalist obviously trains you to ask awesome questions like this.
‘Oh I know it works, because as I stand here I literally have no memory or proof of existence of any human that I may have used it on, if it didn’t work there would be a paper train, memories, possibly even people calling up saying “have you seen Todd?” but there is literally nothing’ he said, very convincingly.
‘WOW’ I replied, again using my excellent journalism skills.
'Also think about this, is anyone bothering us right now?' Lewis asked.
'Well your maid keeps giving me pissed off looks when I look at her like she's trying to pocket the Rolex you left on the table over there?'
'Ok, well apart from her?'
'That doesn't that strike you as strange?'
'You're right, normally there are more people around, especially since you opened your lab up to the public, increasing your maids workload abundantly, although you chose to not even give her a five percent raise, and you can really afford it, and people are really, really annoying, one of them once asked me for the time, how am I supposed to give someone time, I'm not a fucking doctor!' I replied.
'So it MUST work. I must've gotten rid of them ALL!!!'
'You don't think the cursing ape next door scared them off?' I asked.
‘Nope last week I shot the ape with a tranquilizer gun and relocated it to a poor neighborhood where the cursing wouldn’t be so out of place’
‘So it is true, you’ve done it!’
‘Yes I have’

So there you go ladies and gentleman. All the annoying, rude, nosy, aggravating, fuck head asshole dicks that make up most of the population will soon be gone, and we’ll have no memory they ever existed, just more proof that humankind really has made some great achievements.

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