Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Starting trouble, BIG trouble

'You never hear about pheasants giving massages to quails anymore' I said, one warm Saturday afternoon, to a goose.

That was when the trouble started. Big trouble.

Big trouble. Involving a goose.

A BIG goose.

At least compared to a baby sparrow.

A baby sparrow being something I compare EVERYTHING to.

Fun fact - it turns out almost everything is big! (Exceptions include: snowflakes, mouse droppings, and memories of smiles). 

I didn't mean to start trouble, honestly I didn't. I was just making a truthful, authentic and interesting observation.

That's what I do.

I observe shit.

It’s my bag.

I even observed a bag once, it was blue!

But I never observe shit to start trouble.

'Hey, look, there's a man' would be an example of an observation that is not intended to be a trouble starter. And that’s an observation I have made at least three times. But now I hold back, because I have become aware that it CAN be a trouble starter.

Now I am of course NOT saying all men start trouble, and therefore seeing one means trouble. So you can just stop the accusations right there. Although now that I think about it, when I was in school every time a teacher said 'you're a trouble maker' to a kid, it WAS always a boy said teacher was talking to. One hundred percent of the time. So that's pretty damming evidence.

Then again I DID attend an all boys school. But I feel ultimately this is a commentary on the school administrators more than a difference between the sexes.

The point is, that I had no idea the goose would be upset, is what I'm saying. And it wasn't. Upset would be a VAST understatement. So okay, it turns out geese consider themselves the masseuses of the poultry world. Sorry, sorry - 'the feathered creatures of cruel human consumption' world, as they prefer to be known. I assume. I mean there are lots of birds, but we only eat some of them, but that's probably their fault.

But trouble had begun. Big trouble. Before I knew it the Goose was giving me the best damn massage of my life just to prove a point. This led to at least three other birds being inspired to make their own points, which ultimately lead to a magpie kicking an otter! It was BIG trouble. At least compared to a baby sparrow.

I think the lessons here are four:

1. I need to observe more things that don't cause trouble, ‘look there's a table!’ Would be an example. Oh fuck now a goose is breaking it over a ducks face, my god it's bill is so fucked up it almost looks like a beak, a dirty stinking beak, oh the humanity, um oh the humpoluitry. That's better.
2. Maybe I need to stop observing shit altogether, ‘oh wow, look there's nothing to see here’, ahhh.
3. Geese have a terrible reputation in the bird world, and I'll tell you why, none of the male geese want to work in propaganda, because then they'd be a 'propaganda gander' and geese don't want to bang ganders who have confusing business cards. And of course
4. Be more delicious Vultures damn it. It’s high time that the feathered creatures of cruel human consumption world got a new member!

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