Tuesday, October 28, 2014

My famous annual last minute Halloween costume advice is here!

Exciting news everyone, super exciting really, and no I don’t mean ‘super’ like superman, because this is super in that it’s super exciting in regard to this years Halloween! Something Superman has NOTHING to do with.  

If you don’t have your costume ready this year, then it’s not too late to spend your Halloween in what is sure to be deemed the hottest, sexiest, coolest, most original, best, most awesomenessous, hottest, and sexiest costume out there, something way better than some lame super hero costume, like Superman. That guy is a superloser if you ask me.  

Wait, if they are all ‘super’ heroes, and yet only one of them has the word ‘super’ in his name, shouldn’t he automatically be considered the definitive super hero? If I wanted to be the ultimate warrior, I’d simply rename myself ‘Ultimate Dave’ and the title would be mine. If I wanted to the most splendid yack trainer in all of the major Himalayan yack racing leagues, I’d just rename myself ‘Splendid Yack Dave’ and not a single member of the current yack training advisory board would question me for a minute. If I wanted to be King of Great Britain, I’d simply casually and covertly murder the current 7, 234, 932 people who are in front of me in the natural line of succession to the throne and it would be mine. Wait sorry, 7, 234, 931, I was just given notification that Clive Handler just passed away, apparently in suspicious circumstances, but I swear I had nothing to do with it. I wouldn’t write about it and then do it on the same day, I’m not an idiot, plus just above there I used the word ‘covertly’ which was a very clever use of language, so I am clearly too smart to make a mistake like that. Plus this very brilliantly and clearly written paragraph gave away a flawless plan on how to easily become the definitive leader in any chosen field you may choose, so boom, I rest my case, I did not murder Clive.

I’m getting off track. The point is, that if you want to have an awesome costume for this years Halloween, and you’ve left it to the last minute, then I have you covered. Right now, right here, I am giving you, my awesome readers, exclusive and brilliant advice on how to pull off what will surely be the best costume of any party, fair, parade, or vigilante mission you attend this year, and pull it off with such specific perfection that people will be so epically impressed that they’ll be gushing, and singing awesome praise by saying things like 'so yeah, um wow, you nailed it'.
That's right people - this year’s hottest costume IS.... ME!!! That's right you can go to your Halloween party dressed as David Tieck.
Here are some exclusive tips on how to be me right:

-       I wear the same pair of jeans everyday, not because I don’t own more than one pair, but because I can’t be fucked to take the things out of the pockets and put them in another pair of jean’s pockets.
-       I wear converse all-star chuck taylor shoes, unless I am too lazy to tie shoelaces, which is almost always, in which case I wear Asics tigers.
-       I have a permanently dark and wincingly bitter soul, but it's painted pink!
-       Please don't imitate me and yet change me, keep the slutiness in the chest, not the genitals please. 
-       I like silly hand gestures.  
-       I only ever cry from the left eye, make sure your tear marks reflect that. 
-       Have I ever licked a dead possum as an adult? Yes I have. Just saying.
-       I hold my Coke Zero can in my RIGHT hand, my Pepsi max in the LEFT, and for some reason always have three drops of urine on my underpants.
-       I like terms such as 'Mangrove smiley face', 'bubble bath reprobates' and 'cunt', But I don’t like to offend people, so I only use them haphazardly, with caution, and when the timing feels right, well that’s a lie, I’m only actually careful with 'bubble bath reprobates'. 
-       If there is one thing I love it is skipping stones on lakes - but I don't love just one thing, I'm not a psychopath, mix it up. 
-       I have lots of psychopathic thoughts, make sure you do too - be creative, no one likes a psychopath who is all cliché.
-       I have insomnia eyes, if you're not willing to skip sleep for the accurate look then being punched in the eyes can do the job, as can spending three hours in a sauna making elephant noises.
-       I only ever tan my back - I don't want to prematurely age my face, I'm not an idiot.
-       I'm covered in bruises from walking into things idiotically. 
-       I desperately NEED to go to own a digital watch again one day, you MUST too.
-       Not enough to like go buy one though of course, I am too lazy to tie shoelaces for Christ sake, don't embarrass me by making me look all.... Worky
-       I never, ever repeat myself, ever.
-       Did you think I was going to follow that by repeating myself for a cheap laugh? Shame on you, you disgust me.
-       I often have snot in hair. 

That's about it! Have a great Halloween as me! Don't embarrass me please!

Oh oh, 
-       I am very easily embarrassed oh and 
-       I have a permanently dark and wincingly bitter soul, but it's painted pink!
-       Yep I did it, you filthy bubble bath reprobates! Ha ha, I repeated myself even though I said I never do, ever, and I did it just for a cheap laugh! I am a MANIAC!!!!!! 

Oh oh, I’m also:
-       Clearly deservingly embarrassed.
-       Too lazy to care. 
-       Hoping someone buy that watch for me please? I really want one. 

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