Sunday, November 29, 2015

I well carry you

Well I’ll tell you this - people, that is people that matter; by which I mean people who know me, well they know stuff about me. And one of those stuffs is that I do not use forklifts very often. Not very often AT ALL!

In fact I barely use forklifts more than eight or nine times a month, maybe ten during mating season. But if you need more evidence of this fact, just to satisfy your own personal standard for truth sourcing, consider this conversation:

Bill – Well I know Dave very well, and I can attest to this forklift stat.
Dave - Well I wouldn't say very well, we're acquaintances, see each other maybe four or five times a year?
Bill - Well ok, but we know each other well enough for me to come onto your blog.
Dave - Well I should point out, to both you Bill, and the readers, that you just barged into this blog without an invite.
Bill – Well yeah, to help you out.
Dave - Well, more like for an opportunity to use the word 'attest', and while it was complimentary, or supportive at least, the readers may not know, but you and I both know, that 'attest' is a word you enjoy using, and often times will use it even when it is not pertinent to the point, like during your wedding vows.
Bill - Well I disagree, ‘attest’ was perfectly pertinent during my wedding vows!
Dave - Well let me remind you, you said, and I quote, 'I can attest to my wife's, wait is she my wife yet, no she isn't, um, fuck, I can attest to what this lady here just said, I attest all fucking over it'.
Bill - Well yeah, and I could, I DID, I was backing up her vows, those bad boys deserved attesting.
Dave – Well, but that's not normal.
Bill – Well um, she said in sickness and in health, I get sick ALL THE TIME, and that’s not normal, and she still hangs out with me, and even hands my tissues and stuff, so I was backing her up.
Dave - Well um no, you were sneaking the word fucking 'attest' in because you love saying 'attest', that was your motivation, the rest, while possibly pertinent, is not relevant!
Bill - Well how about this, if I were saying 'attest' about you the 'f' wouldn't be silent!
Dave – Well, fuck you, and that only really works in a written form, I mean when said out loud those two words aren't UN-rhyming, but you'd have to say one weird, where as in a written form it's a solid, if not steal firm, burn, and this IS a written form, so well done you.
Bill - Well I can definitely attest to that!
Dave - Ha ha, I see what you did there.
Bill - No no no, this is a written form, you READ what I did there!
Dave - ha ha!
Bill – Hooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooouugghhhh ha haha!
Dave – Huuuuuaaahhh ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ahahhhhhahhhahhshhhhhhghh ha ha HA HA HA!
Bill - I feel like during this epic laughter we've forgotten something about some element of our speech pattern that we had going?
Dave – Well, you may be right, but well shoot, we can't well remember it now can we? Ahhhh well.

So I think based on this conversation between my good acquaintance Bill and I, you can see for sure that the use of forklifts is not something that dominates my life, at least in any significant way, except maybe during mating season.

That's why I hope, nay need, for you to believe the issue I am about to raise is not being raised here out of a personal need, or even a desire, but out of pure heartfelt need, and desire, for a sad story to come to an end, preferably with less sadness than currently is at play.

Every year more and more families find that their giant industrial sized drivable cutlery and other kitchen utensils drawers are missing items. That is the cutlery and other kitchen utensils are drivable, not the drawers themselves, because that would be stupid, why would a drawer drive? It's job is to have shit in it, how would getting somewhere else help. So yeah, the cutlery and other kitchen utensils are lacking, not the drawer, we're not talking stupid stuff here today, this story is too sad.

Yes, these family’s drawers sure do have lots of forklifts. Yet the other slots in the separator thingy are empty. That's right, there are blank slots where the should be the following:

- Spoonlifts
- Knifeliftz
- Saladtonglifts
- Bottleopenerlifts
- Garlicpresslifts
- Spatularlifts
- Melonballinglifts
- Chopsticklifts
- Potatopeelerlifts
- Cheesegraterlifts and even....
- Cigarettelighterswhichareactuallysupposedtogoonedrawdownbutwereputherebyalazypricklifts 

And these are poor families that live in tiny homes, sometimes sleeping four or five kids per closet, while their ginormous industrial sized drivable cutlery and other kitchen utensils drawers are mostly empty. And again, it's the cutlery and other kitchen utensils that are drivable, not the drawers, as that would be stupid,  and we're not doing stupid here today. Not even a hint of it.

Why is this sadness going on? Because drivable cutlery and other kitchen utensils of types other than forks have not yet been invented yet! (Well there are giant knives, but Knights keep stealing them to fight dragons, and they sell the drivable parts to Witches to attach to their brooms to make THEM drivable. But why not a drivable olive-oil brush you motherfuckers!!! Or ‘Abrushlifts’?)

So this holiday season, don't FEED needy people, be nice instead, and invent drivable cutlery and other kitchen utensil lifts, if you need more proof this is a smart idea consider this conversation:

Bill - Well that's actually a really dumb idea Dave, if someone makes a giant drivable cheese grater, or a Cheesegraterlift, they'll use it to grate things other than cheese you know, like people's elbows when they take up too much of their share of the shared arm rest, or people who make bird noises to get your attention, or even people who go 'ahhhhh' when they're peeing in public bathrooms, um, wait a second, they'll grate THOSE people? This is a GENIUS idea!
Dave - Well it sure is Bill.
Bill - HA HA
Dave – Ha aha aha haha haha ha
Bill – Hooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooouugghhhh ha haha!
DAVE - Ahhhhh, well.
Bill - Well.
Dave - Well said.
Bill – I can attest to that.

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