Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Love – an instructional video - transcript
(Look directly into camera one. Big smile with lots of teeth. If you haven’t flossed quickly go do it now)
“Hello lovers, lovers of lovers, lovers of the loveless, and perverts. Thanks for purchasing this video. By the time you have reached the end of this video, assuming that you complete all of the exercises, you will be in love. Congratulations!”
(Sell final sentence with a performance of a mild fist pump)
“First off let me say that I understand your pain”.
(Frown to prove it, if you can squeeze out a tear)
“And no, I am not suggesting that you have been sexually assaulted by John Travolta, although if you have then I do not understand your pain, and this is not the video for you”.
(If you still have a tear on your cheek swipe it away now, don’t make it too obvious, you don’t want to have your tears connected to love video’s competition)
“I recommend you return this video and ask for ‘I have been sexually assaulted by John Travolta Volumes 1 through 7’ or else the competing videos ‘Show me where John Travolta touched you the box set’”
(Turn to Camera two, look alluring, we’re back to selling your video now, sell it damn it, sell it)
“In my line of business I hear all sorts of complaints from those who do not know how to love and/or be loved. The most regular complaint is of course:
‘He/she doesn’t always understand what I want!’
I asked my patients how they would typically respond to this complaint, and the answers were enlightening:
- If he doesn't respond I'll volunteer him.
- Sounds like a lot of walking!
- Oh lord, need another glass of wine....
- Fire pit? You mean the portal to hell that my ex-girlfriend has? Yes, that's a given.
- Quesadillas, definitely quesadillas
- Okay, I'll do the required work for putting people in the stretchers - but if they go over the required weight limit, I want hazard pay. Just saying...
- You mean the garage around the corner? Prime property your uncle has.
- Hmmm, me thinks I may have some teaching to give
- Oh! Mars bars are like a religion, and they fried it!!! Where is the decency, honour???? Lordy, lordy, lordy!”
(Turn back to camera one, you have just proven how much wisdom your patients have earned, the audience is yours, look proud and confident)
“Yes, if you do the following three exercises you will also have this much insight!”
(Big smile, yeah right as if you need to be TOLD to smile now)
The exercises are:
1. " Dual use "
Some people find this the easiest challenge. It is quite simple. Roll around in dirt, and then go up to a table of strangers in a top class restaurant and ask them if they would like any peanuts, when they look at you funny yell “Wait, wait...am I getting minimum wage for this?” As the security begins to drag you away scream relentlessly “The location "was" secret. Now we have to move. Damn You, Damn you to Hell”
Now you know how to be spontaneous.
2. "Stretcher Fetcher"
Some people find this the easiest challenge. It is quite simple. About two hours ago there was a man in front of a diner covered in blood screaming at the 'coward' who had just punched him in the face.
Find that diner, they have great desserts.
Eat one of them.
You now understand how to be a sweety.
3. “Your position sound alright?”
Some people find this the easiest challenge. They’re idiots it’s actually super hard.
Simply volunteer at your uncle's sweatshop for prospect work. If your uncle doesn’t currently own or run a sweatshop then you need to ask yourself the following questions
- Did my grandparents fuck up somewhere?
- Do we need someone to volunteer to 'put' people in stretchers?
- Did we find the atmosphere required?
- Yeah yeah...that's the ticket?
- Can I play with someone's cool brother one day?
- Exit stage right?Bottom of
- Can we hire someone to patrol the roads for protein?
- Can't we have irons without the fire pit, you know the little buggers are going to want to use their new toys?
- Do those come with two plates for convenience?
- What's Duck Dynasty? I must know more!
- That's when they will be trying to get inside the armour?
If you answered yes to the majority of the questions then your uncle has now started a sweatshop. If you answered no to the majority of questions then start one yourself you lazy bastard. If you answered yes to around half of the questions and no to around half the questions then clearly you don’t have an uncle so of course you have to start the sweatshop yourself. Regardless you now work for a sweatshop – awesome! This could be HUGE!
Now watch how your four and five year old slaves respond to your "valued work space!” They enjoy it don’t they?
You now understand the value of handwork”.
(Look wherever you want, the viewers aren’t watching anymore, they’re too busy looking into their new lover’s eyes).
“Hey attention, hey hey! LOOK AWAY FROM YOUR LOVER’S EYES FOR A MOMENT, WE NEED TO SUM UP HERE”
(You’re going to have keep yelling as they are distracted by their lovers, but you really do need to sum up, still don’t look frustrated, just smile cheekily, like as if you’re happy for them)
“Yes, I know. Learn to be Spontaneous, to be sweet and the value of hard work, and then lovers will just flock to you. And assuming you completed the above challenges in their full you are now in love. Awwwwww. Tell us about him or her? Do they have a younger sister? Hook me up you bastards, I helped you!
(Careful not to allow jealousy to come into it, they don’t know about the flaw yet)
“One last thing, regardless of whether you consider this to be the best video you have ever watched or something better than this, you must never, ever, ever read the transcript of this video, if you know the secrets of the manipulations the host performs then you’ll never find love. Your host (that’s you), by agreeing to participate in the making of this video, has now destined him or herself to an inability to ever find love.
Wait. What? I’m not reading that?
What do you mean it’s too late? You said I’d be home by midnight.
No, I will not finish.
I am going to call the cops on you
Yes they will help, and if they don’t I’ll call the FBI, homeland security, the CIA whoever it takes! There is going to be a manhunt out for you, you bastards.
Put that gun down, please, please I am begging you
No don’t sick John Travolta on me, point the gun back on me, I’m begging you”