Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Things to be happy about today

'Oh my god (squealing noises) me too, I'm so excited, I didn't think anyone else would notice that'

Two girls are talking in front of me. The topic is just how ugly a guy they know is. They have advanced past the obvious reasons, which they shared with glee, and they have now moved on to his more subtle ugly features, and they are rapturous over shared disgust. The list is long, cruel and depressing.

My reaction is obvious - rip them new assholes with my mind.
'Oh and you can talk, you fat whores'
‘is this guy you’re talking about your mirror'
'At least he almost certainly has a more beautiful heart and personality than you bitches, and is probably less fat and whore like'

Then it hits me - a chain of judgment has begun. I don’t want to be part of a chain of judgment. I mean not that there is anything major wrong with that, I just want to be the one to start it, or even better to be so insane and over the top that no one could possibly imagine topping me, so the chain dies.

So instead here are some things to be happy about today, maybe I will even start a chain of happiness - chains are awesome!

Things to be happy about:
 - Jessica Simpson finally gave birth so no more media obsession with 'when is Jess going to give birth!’
- If you’re a girl you probably have a less masculine name than Jessica Simpson’s daughter ‘Maxwell’
- You're reading this on the Internet so you're probably not currently deep in Papua New Guinea forced into slavery by a tribe of locals that smell badly of newspaper ink
- There is a good chance the sun won't explode today
- Even if it does if it's night where you are it'll hit the bastards on the other side first, ha ha
- Beer exists and if you’re a guy you may now share your name with Jessica Simpson’s daughter
- If you've ever said 'I just wish I was happier' and at that exact moment a gust of wind lifted a ladies skirt in front of you almost high enough to see panties, that was probably a brief distraction from your depression
- If you're at the beach you're probably relaxed
- If you're not at the beach your foot probably isn't in a sharks mouth
- If your foot is in a shark’s mouth it’ll probably let go when hit from shrapnel from the sun exploding
- The girls judging and laughing about your neck mole positions are fat and whorish, I know, I saw them.

So there, have fun, there are clearly lots of things to be happy about today. Also feel free to add to the chain, I’ll be so insane and over the top that no one could possibly imagine topping me only when the time is right.

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