Friday, January 15, 2010

Questions of the morning (even though technically its the afternoon)

Why do people eat vegetables? I tried it two nights ago, and ate a cob of corn, and I swear every god damn kernel just came out in the shit I just took (plus I chew, I swear I do, does corn reform in your ass?)

How does Jay Leno still get great jobs when I can't get shit (even corny shit)?

How on earth do three teenage girls go through about 5 rolls of toilet paper in about eight hours?

Will any of these questions not be at least a little bit about shit?

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it does Tiger Woods make a point of cheating on his wife with it? (written way more closely to the release of the scandal, but I don't think I released is mediocre hilarity at the time)

How is it possible that three teenage girls staying in my house meant I ended up watching the first third of an awful, awful, awful fucking unbelievably bad, Jesse Metcalf (or whatever his fucking name is) movie and then going to bed relatively early instead of having fun?

Do you like big action films, blood and gore, and death – well have you considered becoming a dental hygienist? Its all the thrills of an action film, gadgets, blood, fear, heroes, villains, so make every day of your life like Die Hard – live exciting, dental hygienist exciting!

I just ate the south beach diet book, so how does this work, the paper rips up the inside of your intestines so you lose intestine weight?

And now for a little known fact: People who like sleeping on a soft mattress are 78% more likely to have one day licked a beehive, mmmm honey.

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