Monday, January 4, 2010

I think its time carpet got more respect, WAY more respect

Let’s just be honest right up the top here, the thing about carpet is that it’s better than a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand, right? And people don’t think about that anywhere near enough.

I mean think about it, a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand is pretty freaking useless. Unless of course you are entering a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition, in which case even a really soft, even plush carpet made with premium Marino wool will win you few points in a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition, but be honest with yourself, how often are you going to enter a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand competition? Two, maybe three times a month? At least, but how often are you going to walk on your carpet? Probably daily

Cardboard cut-outs in general are pretty useless to be quite frank. They are poor alternatives to the real thing, like those cardboard cut-outs of celebrities? What can you do with them, just look at em and stuff. Plus buckets of sand don’t do much for you, I mean your at the beach, there is sand freaking everywhere, why put it in a bucket? To steal! And that’s not nice. So you’d have to be insane to choose a cardboard cut-out of a bucket of sand over having your house carpeted.

And think about this, maybe you want to tell a friend that you are going to have an abortion but you don’t know how to say it, so you’re looking for a metaphor you can use which will be easy to act out and will clearly get your point across without you needing to say the actual word ‘abortion’, what are you going to do? It’s obvious isn’t it, you will put a small pile of sand (proving you had an actual bucket of sand, so cardboard cut-out, are you fucked in the head?) on the carpet, tell your friend you are pregnant, then say ‘but hey see that sand, imagine for a moment that’s my foetus’, then you will grab your vacuum cleaner and vacuum the sand up. Your friend will hug you, and say I support your decision, and it will never be spoken about again. But try that without carpet and what happens ‘I don’t get it, why did you vacuum your hard wood floors, isn’t it easier to use a broom, and oh my god YOU’RE PREGNANT, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A GREAT MOM!!!!’ and now because the word ‘mom’ has been used you suddenly get all emotional and you end up raising a child, all cause you didn’t have carpet!!!!

That’s insane, a life long commitment because you had no carpet, oh my god. Get a carpet you psycho.

Also, and this is a true story – when a friend of mine was 15 he discovered my dad kept a wine collection under our house, and not realizing what was expensive and what wasn’t he stole a bottle worth over a thousand dollars, and not being able to hold his liquor but keen to try he drank the whole thing quickly, and I guess just for fun an hour or so later he vomited a thousand odd dollars of red wine all over another friend of ours brand new cream colored carpet, ruining it, in what may well have been the most expensive vomit of all time. And even though this story actually gives the impression that owning carpet could be costly, therefore undermining my very point, it may also explain to you why I may perhaps one day be arrested for vomiting on the Mona Lisa at the Louvre, because I want the title of ‘worlds most expensive spew’ god damn it, and I will do what ever it takes.

By the way, I feel like a lot more people would live forever if they could just figure out a way to stop dying. But I don’t think they will and personally I blame people who manufacture carpet for a living, because seriously what a boring profession to dedicate your life to. I mean honestly, ‘what do you want to do when you grow up’, ‘I want to manufacture carpet’ – this conversation should never ever take place, and if it does the second guy, the one who wants to manufacture carpet for a living, he should be introduced to various forms of entertainment immediately, because obviously so far he has never felt what it feels like to be entertained.

Damn it, that kind of undermined my argument too. How about this, reasons why having carpet is awesome –

  1. It is soft under your feet, which is nice and stuff
  2. If you invite people over to your house, and you don’t have very interesting art work on the walls or a nice view from the windows your guests will be able to say ‘I like your home, nice carpet’
  3. Carpet comes in a variety of styles and designs, that puts YOU in control, not your floor
  4. If you are prone to randomly fainting your less likely to crack your head open when you fall (unless you keep low tables all over the place, but really if you’re prone to fainting just don’t do this, it would be nuts)
  5. Door to door carpet cleaners are usually great conversationalists, because they do it all day, so they are well trained
  6. Some people refer to a ladies vaginal region by referencing carpet when the lady does not have vigilant grooming practices and when this comes up in conversation, perhaps in the bar or around a lively game of scrabble, you’ll be able to think of her vagina and think of your carpet at home, and just smile warmly
  7. Some men refer to their chest hair as their carpet, if they are like really hairy, which lets you know how hairy a guy is often before you have even seen him shirtless, and you know, as they say ‘knowledge is power’, which isn’t true because power is power not knowledge, you can even look that up in a dictionary under definitions of words, but still people say that, so it’ll be nice to have that knowledge
  8. If you are ever murdered the offenders hair and skin fragments are more likely to be found and DNA tested in a carpeted house, because carpet is a great magnet for hair and skin fragment, so straight up, carpet catches killers earlier in their killing career, which means carpet = life saving. Think about it, if the person the killer killed one before you had carpet, YOU might be ALIVE right now, oh my god, now don’t you want everyone to have carpet?
  9. If you ever get really, really hungry you can eat carpet, it won’t taste nice, be easy to eat, satisfy your hunger, or have any positive affect what so ever, but it’s nice to have options right?
  10. Even some poor people have carpet; do you really want those people to have something over you?
  11. If you have kids who spill drinks a lot when one of them starts drinking a drink while standing on the carpet you get the chance to yell ‘not on the carpet!'

Do you have a carpet, if not why the hell not?

Do you ever think 'dude humans eat salad & that’s like leaves what are we rabbits?' and then you realize, seriously dude your still saying dude?

When you get called the life of the party do you freak out, cause if you’re the 'life' what the hell are these other people, zombies, ghosts?

Do you ever go to a party, stand in the middle of the room, start eating a snickers bar and then go ‘mmm mmmmm mmmm this tastes so good it’s like there’s a party in my immediate surroundings’? Especially if the party is taking place on carpet!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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