Sunday, January 24, 2010

Hard core accounts management (and anal sex)

When I was an accounts officer for a while back in the shitty days, I was the back up head of the department, and for a while I was in charge of double checking my co-workers work and fixing any errors they had made.

This one day an asshole cunt of an old timer who refused to use email, had requested a stop payment by phone. I saw it not done so did it, as was my job. And then all hell broke loose!

The girl whose main job was to make these payments, an impossibly gorgeous blonde, with cute dimples and a body which if cast into a toy would, like barbie, start controversy over the unrealistic element of female bodies in toy form, with an ass so perfect she literally individually made me obsessed with anal sex, was SLAUGHTERED by this guy for having made the payment, even after she was asked not to. He screamed at her so bad the building shook and three desks were covered in his spit.

The thing was it was me who had made the payment. She had missed one, my job was to check that no broker had made an email request to have this stopped, and so as was my job I paid it. However, even though it was actually me, and I was in the right, as he had refused to follow protocol designed to stop these fuck ups, I stood and watched him tear this girl a new wrist (leave her asshole alone, that’s mine (I wish)).

Within moments a boss of a high enough standing called the two of them into his office, and my immediate boss, and I sat in my desk immediately recognising I had just missed an opportunity to be a hero to the staff, to demonstrate some leadership, to stand up for what was right, to knock a bully down to size with some stone cold truth that it was inability to stay up with the times and follow simple protocol but most importantly get a better shot at getting into this girls ass.

Since then I have looked back on this moment as a turning point, well maybe a defining point, which would ultimately change me. If I wanted to fuck girls in the ass I would have to stand up for myself occasionally!

I should have told this stubborn old man that he was a useless and as intelligent as fungi growing on a dead cows ass bones. And he had no right to yell at someone else for his own deeply entrenched stupidity, and then said ‘now hey baby, want me to go bend you over the copy machine!

Even if the girl did turn out to be coke snorting whore who was fucking various guys in the office for cocaine and other reasons, and who didn’t quit but just stopped coming into work one day and then wouldn’t answer her phone, so I had to do all her fucking work until we got a chance to find out for sure that she hadn’t been murdered and was just being a selfish bitch, and then I had to go through the process of hiring someone new, who I had to train, which was all fucked (plus my boss and I were given specific ‘advice’ from management that we weren’t allowed to hire a pretty girl, as apparently we’d hired three pretty girls in a row and we might be called sexists, but I wasn’t involved in those hirings, this was my first one, and I wanted to hand pick someone who was qualified but would ultimately not be able to keep herself from sleeping with me).

It tool a while for me to make the change into the weird, yet confident artist I am, but I still wish I could go back and re-live that moment, I mean seriously, that girls ass was amazing.

Thus we come to the first time I actually did get to make love to a girl’s ass. I was in the middle of a sex drought so bad I was in physical pain, which caused me to call up a girl I had dated briefly who I had broken up with resulting in her sending me a text message every five minutes for 4 days calling me a cunt, and I was having sex with her (she said even though I was a massive asshole I was the best sex she’d ever had so she was happy to go for another run – hell yeah) so we did it. And then she was asking me about ‘losing my virginity 52 times’ and this lead her to say ‘have you ever fucked a girl in the ass?’

Twenty minutes later I had and it was fucking awesome - for both of us - even though I never got in there again she later admitted to me that this had become a regular and important part of her sex life, and then she married a guy who was like ten years younger than her, like her 28 to his 18 or something, I can’t really remember, but it was clearly a massive mistake. Here is the thing though; as we were doing it (it = the anal) ‘Relax’ by Frankie goes to Hollywood came on radio!

The lessons

One – omens which suggest that you will get lots of anal in your life are false (I have got no more, fuck you world, and Frankie)

Two – Standing up for yourself (or giving a girl cocaine) is a much better way to get into a girls ass than sitting silent like a fucking pussy while someone unfairly screams at her.

Three – Writing a book called ‘losing my virginity 52 times’ can inspire people to offer you first time experiences (but only once – fuck you world)

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