Who had it worst?

Here is a sketch I wrote a year or two back trying to get a job on Saturday Night Live. I'm starting to think Lorne Michaels is never going to call me, so maybe I'll just post it here :)



GAME SHOW – WHO HAD IT WORST? – Bill/Jason/Kristin/Bobby/Michaela

By David Tieck


(OPEN ON: GRAPHIC: “WHO HAD IT WORST”)


(MUSIC: THEME)


(DISS. TO: GAME SHOW SET.)


BILL

Hello and welcome to ‘Who had it worst?’ the game show where we

look at all kinds of suffering and decide who had it worst. I am your

host John Jefferies, now let’s meet our contestants. First up your

returning champs, please welcome back The Widens, Robert and Stephanie


(BILL WALKS OVER TO STAGE RIGHT WHERE JASON SEDAKIS AND KRISTIN WIIG STAN BEHIND THEIR PODIUM LOOKING HAPPY, SWITCHED ON AND CONFIDENT)


JASON


Thanks for having us back

KRISTIN


Yep, we are super excited to be back


BILL


Have you two been enjoying the boat you won last week?


KRISTIN


Sure have

JASON


Absolutely

BILL


Wonderful, well let’s now meet our challengers, The Grahams,

Simon and Kate.


(BILL WALKS OVER TO STAGE LEFT WHERE BOBBY MOYNIHAN AND MICHAELA WATKINS ARE WAITING LOOKING NERVOUS)


BILL


Now Simon, I understand that you are an accountant?


BOBBY


Yes that’s right, I do tax returns


BILL


Well lucky for you this isn’t the who has the worst job show!


(BILL TURNS TO AUDIENCE WITH A BIG SMILE, EVERYONE LAUGHS EXCEPT BOBBY AND MICHAELA)


BILL


And Kate you are a homemaker, that isn’t interesting at all, so ok,

it’s time to get started, ready for who had it worst round one.

(BILL RETURNS TO CENTER STAGE WHERE THE FIRST QUESTION COMES UP)

BILL


Question one, who had it worst, the dodo bird or the Passenger Pigeon?


JASON


(SFX: BUZZER)


Both extinct but the Passenger Pigeon was hunted by humans where as the dodos did it to themselves, therefore the dodo will be treated worst in the afterlife, my answer is the dodo!

BILL


That is correct! Question two, who had it worst, Clipper fans or

Knicks fans?

KRISTIN


(SFX: BUZZER)


Easy one, the clippers have no real fans, so it’s Knicks fans!


BILL


That’s correct! Question three, who had it worst, Hitler or Stalin?


KRISTIN


(SFX: BUZZER)


Well the full Stalin Mustache is still popular around the world, but the Hitler Mustache has been all but eradicated, so Hitler had it worst!


BILL


That is correct!


(CUT TO BOBBY AND MICHAELA WHO ARE DUMFOUNDED)


BILL


And that is the end of round one where our defending champions have

leapt into the lead. Time to remind the viewers of the rules! Here on

‘Who had it worst?’ contestants must decide not just who had it worst,

but justify it in a manor which is true yet not the most obvious answer.

Time for round two, the body part round! Question one, who had it worst,

the Octomum’s uterus or Kirstie Alley’s rectum?


MICHAELA


(SFX: BUZZER)


The Octomum’s uterus! Had to carry eight babies!


BILL



Ohhh, close but that is the most obvious answer I am sorry. Widens?


JASON


Kirstie Alley’s rectum. It has had to pass more gross tonnage!


BILL


That is correct! The Widens steal the points. Next question, who had it

worst A-rods needle riddled butt cheek, or Barry Bonds steroid induced ballooning head?


BOBBY


(SFX: BUZZER)


Barry Bonds head, because it is exposed where the butt is under the pants!


BILL


I am sorry, that is very close but wrong I am sorry


JASON


The answer is A-rods butt cheek, because on top of needles it had to

be felt up by Madonna’s veiny wrinkly old hands


BILL



You are spot on!

BOBBY

This is ridicules!


BILL

And that is the end of round two. Time now for the lightening round,

which is of course all about who had it worst when dealing with nature,

there is no need to buzz in this round, whoever answers quickest gets

the points. Who had it worst someone who dies in a fire or someone

who drowns in a flood?

KRISTIN


The fire, because you leave an uglier corpse


BILL


Yes! Who had is worst someone caught in a hurricane or someone

caught in a tornado?

JASON


Tornado, because you’re more likely to be hit by a cow in a tornado


BILL


Yes! Who had it worst, the guy eaten by a bear or the guy eaten by a tiger?


JASON


The bear, because if the bear is about to hibernate it may be months

before you are fully digested

BILL



That is correct again! Wow, you two are on fire, no pun intended,

clean sweep.


BOBBY


Oh come on


MICHAELA

(ANGRY)


This is madness!


BILL


Well that is the end of the lightening round. The Widens are way in front,

but we do have one final round and one more question. Who had it worst,

the horse killed and turned into dog food, or the dog killed and served in

a Korean restaurant?

BOBBY

(SFX: BUZZER)


(THE CAMERA CLOSES IN ON BOBBY’S FACE, TIME SLOWS DOWN, HE IS NERVOUS YET DETERMINED, HE SEEMS SHOCKED HIMSELF THAT HE HAD PRESSED THE BUZZER)


Um


MICHAELA

You can do it Simon!


BOBBY


(LONG BEAT)


Um, um


BILL


Your answer please?


BOBBY


Ok, it’s the man who thought he ordered the beef but was accidently

served the dog which was cooked while it still had horse meat dog food in its belly

BILL


Oh my god, not only is that correct, but you have just pulled a third party,

which means you steal all of your opponent’s points to win the game!


(BALLOONS FALL FROM THE SKY OVER BOBBY AND MICHAELA, MUSIC IS PLAYING, BOBBY AN MICHAELA ARE CELEBRATING, JASON AND KRISTIN ARE FURIOUS)


BILL


(YELLING OVER THE TOP)


As you know all prizes here on who’s had it worse are come

from property recently seized by police from criminals, and this

weeks prize is $10,000 cash in counterfeit $100 bills recently seized

from the mafia by the NYPD!

(CREDITS START TO ROLL, BOBBY AND MICHAELA ARE TRYING TO GET BILLS ATTENTION)


BOBBY


Wait, did you say counterfeit dollars?


FADE OUT

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