Monday, November 23, 2015
Positively first lick!
Time for bold statement. Which is hard, because boldness is merely a feeling, and you can't tell people how to 'feel', unless of course you touch the back of their knee with a feather and then tell them that you plucked it from the bird with your eyelids, in which case you're telling them to feel 'subject to speculation derived from a curiosity into the various moving parts in regard to eyelid operation, while matched with standard levels of skill and ability of said body part, mixed with a shiver of creepiness from both the mental image and the back of the knee tickling, leading to uncomfortable levels of uncomfortablity, which in your defense would be even far worse if they knew you'd actually plucked the feather with your genitalia' and I only like making people feel like that when I'm discussing politics, which I am not today, because today I'm talking about something actually important, which is that...
Cake makes a poor hat, yet a unique hat, and I'd rather be unique than poor, therefore I want to make and wear a cake a hat forever!!! Weeee.
Of course there are some cons to this plan, but then there are also some pros, and I normally prefer to deal with amateurs and non-criminals, so here is a classic list of positive and negative points of wearing a cake as a hat.
Positive - Some people like hats, they put them on their heads, they hold them in their hands, they use them as frisbees, they rescue small sick and injured woodland creatures in them, they get naked and cover their genitals with them, and then say things like 'you're having a bad hair day, wanna borrow my hat' and their partners are all like 'that's cruel you dick, I mean I wanted to look at your genitals, but why do I have to get insulted to see them?' and they reply 'because I look great naked, and you look great in hats' and they say 'so I DON'T look great naked?' And they they reply 'yeah you do' and then they both get naked, and some people even sometimes use them to keep sun off their face!
Negative - Some people DON'T like hats.
Positive - Some people like cake. They eat it with their faces, they share it at parties, they put it on their knife wounds, they use it as bait to catch up on television shows they haven't watched for a while, some of them even eat it with their mouths.
Negative - Some people don't like cake!
Positive - Some people like cake hats, lots of people!
Negative - some people don't like cake hats.
Positive - They look cool.
Negative - You don't want to make people think your head is their birthday party, they'll complain that you didn't get presents, that there's no music, and that there is hair in their cake, you're ruining people's birthdays dick.
Positive - You get to be the center of attention, especially around cake, hat or cake hat enthusiasts!
Negative - If your head is the cake that'd make your body the tray! And Tre is the name of a character from the movie Boyz n the Hood, and that characters best friend got SHOT!
Positive - You can challenge people, fearlessly, FEARLESSLY to do super cool stuff by saying
'If you do that I'll eat my hat!' I'm talking Fearlessly, FEARLESSLY!! Because your hat would be delicious. And I'm talking about challenging people to do super cool stuff such as
- Jump off that cliff
- smile at that dragon
- lick that lightening bolt
- Eat a bag of owl beaks
- Solve a blank Rubik's cube with your imagination
- Glue a Lego to your tongue then give oral sex to a Lego batman and yet try to not get your tongue stuck
- Shovel a bag of shovels into another bag of shovels without touching a single shovel
- Saying fearlessly, without doubling it up by following it with FEARLESSLY.
Negative - But then your friends will get to lick all the best lightening first! Eww, who wants to lick USED lightening?
Positive - I do! It'd be like licking my friends tongue and feeling sparks, which is how I image love and intimacy might feel.
Negative - You've never felt love or intimacy?
Positive - No, have you?
Negative - Of course.
Positive - That's bullshit, I'm WAY more positive than you, I should getting fucking love and intimacy.
Negative - Well I've had tons, and get this, because I'm negative I get to also say 'ha ha, suck on that you loser, I wouldn't be intimate with you if you were a cake hat shoved in cake stove made out of cake batter!'
Positive - Fuck this, this is fucking bullshit. Life sucks. The world is an ass. The universe can suck a bag of dicks. And I want everyone to catch face rashes and die ugly. Everything is just fucking awful.
Negative - Will save you money on hair products.
Positive - Wait, did we switch positions?
Negative - I think we did, and we did it fearlessly, FEARLESSLY!
Yep, cake hats are awesome. Now who wants to come over and hang out, I'll let you have first lick the first bolt of lightning!