Monday, January 11, 2016

Send Your Stupidity To The Grave With Dave

Hi Kids, how are you today. My name is "Dave The Stupidity Grave", and I have been invited to come to talk to you here at your school assembly today, to teach you another way to stop you looking stupid all the freakin’ time.

Doesn’t that sound like fun? Let me hear you all scream yaaaaayyyyyy.

‘YYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY’

Awwww, thanks kids.

Now here is a fact kids, from time to time, depending on where you live, especially if you live stupid places like England, where this happens all the time, and irrelevant of whether you deserve it or not (and let’s face it most of you DO deserve it, I’ve seen where your gross dirty little fingers have been) something remarkably horrible happens in the world! OOoohooohhhhh.

‘What is it?’

I hear you ask. Well shut up, I’m getting to that. Obviously. Why would I be invited to come talk to you and not be planning on getting to the thing that I was brought in to talk about? Stop looking like such idiots kids.

Yep, that’s right. The remarkable thing is that sometimes water can fall from the sky, something adults call “rains” or “raining” or “sky wee-wee”!!!!

‘Oh noooooo!’

I hear you all exclaim. And that’s a SMART thing to exclaim, good for you, you’re already, wait for it, sending STUPIDITY TO THE GRAVE WITH DAVE. Yell it out.

‘STUPIDITY TO THE GRAVE WITH DAVE!!!’

Well you were actually supposed to say, “we’re sending stupidity to the grave with Dave”, but that’s ok, you can’t be completely devoid of foolhardiness yet, you are only dumb little kids after-all. Here’s another chance to look at least capable of grasping a simple fact and the reality of the consequences of that fact, all together yell out, what happens when it rains?

‘We get completely drenched in wet stuff, which soaks into our hair, clothes, and the sandwich we were eating, and then when we eventually go inside people look at us like we are completely frickin’ stupid, and say things to us like “oh is it raining outside”, or “someone forget to bring a raincoat”, or even “let me guess, it’s raining and you didn’t bring an umbrella, I have a sixth sense about these things” and it makes us want to punch them in the fucking throats, I mean obviously you dicks, and it makes us mad, and sad for how lame and clichĂ© most people are, and feel like we are being treated like stupid doody heads!’

Yes, well done kids. You’re right. Well, I wouldn’t have said “wet stuff”, its actually called “water”, you morons, but other than that all four hundred and twenty seven of you were one hundred percent correct. And no one likes being called stupid do they?

‘Nooooooooooo’.

Correct! It’s rude, it’s derivative, it’s unhelpful, and it’s mean, and I don’t want you kids to EVER feel like someone is treating you that way, especially by an adult who should know better, and who should be helping kids improve their self-esteem, and their self-confidence, because children are the future, and if you “believe” that you are little morons, what hope do you have of growing up to be intelligent, dignified, and poised adults who make the communities they live in better places to be for all who occupy the same environment?

‘Almost none at all, in fact, it’s these repeated patterns of failure and ineptitude, which hold back communities, societies, nations and even the globe itself’.

Exactly kids.

So what if I told you, that next time you get caught in the rain, and end up with “water” all over you, that you no longer have to face the inevitable judgment which comes attached like the carriages on a train?

‘We don’t believe it, there is nothing that could stop that, it is our lot in life, a reality we face every time the clouds swell with darkness above us, like a three legged dog, a fourth limb shall never grow, the best we can do it try to carve out some form of satisfactory existence that lives concurrently with our pain!’

Oh kids. You dumb little idiots. There IS a solution.

‘There is? There IS! Tell us!!! Please fucking tell us!’

My god, didn’t we go over this already? I am Dave the Stupidity Grave, I wasn’t fucking invited to your assembly to NOT give the solutions. Have some freakin’ patience. Man, you’re parents must fucking HATE you.

Ok, ok, I’ll tell you.

Here goes…

When you get caught in a rainstorm…

‘Yes, yes, yes’

You get wet…

‘Yes we do, very wet’

But what you can do with this wetness is…

‘Tell us, please!!!’

Is DRY it off!

‘No WAY! That’s impossible!’

No it’s not, it’s imimpossible!

‘That’s not a real word!’

Yeah I know, it just kind of came out of my mouth without thought, but seriously, no one likes to be told when they’ve made a mistake kids, whoever taught you that should be shot, was it your parents? Let’s shoot them in the face. But still, it IS possible!

‘But how?’

Now you’re asking the smart questions. There are in fact, and this will shock you, FOUR different ways you can get dry.

‘FOUR!!!!’

Yep four. And because I am a nice guy, and because I am being paid handsomely for this, I am going to tell you ALL FOUR.

‘Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!’

Once you are saturated with rain “water” you may simply do one of the following:

Number One: This one’s easy. I call it the “forget you can’t see curtains” method. Humbly knock on the house of a stranger, or even a friend. Ask to come inside. If they say “no” kick them in the shins and go inside anyway. Now try and spot somewhere that has a window, a fun tip is to look for where light that doesn’t feel electric seems to be coming from. Obviously this doesn’t work at night, but that’s ok, it rarely rains at night. Now ask if you can “look out the window”. If they say “no” kick them in the shins and go towards the window anyway. Now rub your wetness all over the curtains while pretending that you can’t see them, and don’t even know what a curtain is. Adding dialogue like “why can’t I see out the window, there is literally nothing in front of it, nothing at all, so this must be some sort of conspiracy. What are you motherfuckers playing at” will help sell your story. Once you’ve rubbed all your water all over the curtains now ask them to fix you some food. If the food they make looks gross, kick them in the shins and run away.

Number Two: This one’s tranquil. I call it the “fun ride”. Simply head to an amusement park on ‘we think it may be someone’s birthday today day’. Hope like fuck that they thought correct. Spot the birthday kid. Push him to the ground and steal his bouquet of balloons. Hold them close to you and pull out your knife and start popping them one by one letting the exploding air dry you to the bone. Once you are dry go on a few rides. I bet they’ll be fun! Please note, the other side of the balloons you’re stabbing may be your hand, if you stab your hand and it bleeds, just rub it off on the birthday kids shirt, he won’t care, he’s getting presents. You’re not, why should he get them but not you? It’s a fucking conspiracy.

Number Three: This one’s exciting. I call this one “it smells good too”. Overtly take off all your clothes. Grab a lighter. And light your chest hair on fire. Let it burn until the searing hairs dry you off!

Number Four: This one’s a little strange. Well okay, a LOT strange. I call this one “do it if you have to, but don’t tell anyone you did, you’re trying to stop them saying annoying things to you, making fun of you, and thinking you’re stupid, so looking strange instead is NOT going to help”. Grab an item called a “towel” and rub, or “towel” your wetness with said “towel”. If you’re still wet then “towel” more. If someone catches you and says “what you doing, toweling or something” kick them in the shins and run away yelling “it’s a conspiracy god damn it!”

That’s right kids, master any of these things, and you don’t have to worry about rainstorms ANYMORE!

‘Wow, wow, wow, wow, yaayyy, wow, you’ve finally made our futures seem positive, thanks Dave, thanks SOOOOO much!’

Awww, no, thank YOU kids. By which I mean fucking say what you’re supposed to say.

‘Thanks to Dave, we’ve sent our stupidly TO THE GRAVE!!!’

Yaaaaay. Well that’s it for me kids. But I will be back. Next assembly I’ve got something very exciting for you kids. What do you do with your knee scabs?

‘Pick em and eat em, obviously’.

Ahhh, you idiotic little fools, there’s at least ONE other option, and when I come back I am going to… Send that Stupidity To The Grave, with DAVE!

‘Yaaaaaaayyyy’.


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