Thursday, January 29, 2015

I'll fix your problem properly

I like to think that if any of you, my awesome friends, ever found yourself with a fire in your favorite pair of jeans left back pocket, the following conversation would take place. 

'Oh fuck I've got a fire in my favorite  pair of jeans back pocket, what do I do?'
'Oh my god, you've got a fire on your back pocket? And you're wearing jeans? And they're your favorite pair of jeans?'
'Not ON fire, rather there's a fire IN it' 
'In, in your back pocket, IN?'
'Ok, but you didn't answer the rest of my questions, and seeing as I got that wrong, as I said 'on' rather than 
'in' which turned out to be the correct response, so maybe I got some other details wrong too?'
'What were your other questions?'
'Um, let's see. I said - oh my god, you've got a fire on your back pocket. That's was the bit that I was wrong about, and the I asked if you are wearing jeans? But then I continued, based on your original statement, to ask if they were your favorite pair of jeans?'
'YES and YES!' 
'So just to clarify, your have a fire IN the back pocket of your pants, and those pants are jeans, and they are your favorite pair of jeans?'
'Oh holy hell that's awful, dangerous even! Is it the left or right back pocket?'
'My god'.
'I know'.
'Left side pocket or left back pocket?'
'I already said back pocket?'
'I know, but I got the in/ on thing wrong, and sometimes in fancy designer jeans the side pocket can be behind the middle seam and feel like back pockets'.
'They're not fancy designer jeans'.
'I thought you said they were your favorite jeans?'
'They are'.
'Your fancy designer jeans aren't your favorites?'
'I don't own any fancy designer jeans'.
'Why not?'
'I find them over-priced and often impractical, for example sometimes they have pockets in weird places'.
'Good point'.
'Thankyou, but I'm mostly concerned right now with the fire in my left back pocket'
'You should be'.
'I am, heeeelllppp'.
'Of course'.
'Wait, ok, so left as if I was facing you, my left, or left as in what hand you'd probably put in it?'
'The second one!'
'Are you left or right handed?'
'Oh, how left of center of you, wait, I wonder if that's where that saying comes from?'
'Actually I think it from baseball, well 'from left field' is, but HELP! This is starting to really hurt!'
'Oh my god you're currently wearing these jeans?' 
'So just to be clear, you have a fire IN the back left pocket of your pants? They are jeans? Your favorite pair of jeans? Your left rather than the left of someone facing you? You're left handed? And you are wearing these jeans? 
'YES, YES and YES!'
'That was five questions, which two did you not say yes to?'
'All of them'.
'No you said yes to three, you definitely did not not say yes to all of them'.
'No I meant YES to all of them'.
'Well why didn't you just say yes to all them, why only three?'
'I have a fire in my favorite pair of jeans back left pocket and it hurts I was trying to save time, now are you going to help me? Please!'
'Of course'.
'Thank you, what do I do?' 
'Well I'd start by taking off those jeans'. 
'Oh yes, that feels better right away, anything else?'
'Perhaps now put them in the sink'.
'With the dirty dishes?'
'It depends, are any of your dishes flammable?'
'I don't think so'.
'In that case I think it would be fine to put your jeans in there'.
'Ok done, anything else?'
'Maybe run some water over the bit that's on fire?'
'Perfect, you're a good friend Dave'. 
'Yes I am'. 

Because yes I am a good friend, because when my friends have problems I don't just help haphazardly, I get down to the core root of the problem and fix it properly.  

Plus I find if you really get to the core root of a problem you really catch out people who don't actually have a problem and are lying to you. Man I hate those people, there should be a term to shame them. Hmm I've even got an idea: 

'Liar liar pants something' um, are 

'Liar liar pants are dire!' 


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