How to get a free slice of pizza in ten easy steps, based on my experience this evening, where, keep in mind, I executed this plan utterly flawlessly:
1. Don't eat a meal all day. I mean seriously wait till after midnight. If you try this before twelve, or with food in your gut previously that day, then you’re not taking this seriously, you're making a mockery, and frankly I'm not sure if a filthy mocker deserves shit, let alone free pizza.
2. Think to yourself 'I could really go for a slice of pizza. Like hardcore. I haven't eaten all damn day. I'm hungry. Really fucking hungry. And it's literally after midnight'.
3. Realize that it's really fucking lucky that you listened to rule one, and that thank god you're bloody taking this seriously. Mockers don't get free pizza. Ever.
4. I mean how foolish would you feel if you got to number two after ignoring number one? Really foolish, that's how foolish.
5. And 'really' is a strong word. And not one you cannot imagine away, because it literally has the word 'real' in it.
6. Now as long as you’re taking things seriously, really serious, then it’s time to think something along the lines of 'I'd bathe in a bath filled with a bathload of spiders for a slice of pizza'.
7. And no, you don't have to do that literally. Now is the place for creativity. You just have to come up with the most horribly thing imaginable, and then take that thing and imagine a bathload of it.
8. It could even be mocking in nature. Yes, mocking. I'm not anti-mock. I never was. It's just got to be at the right time and place. A well placed mock can be an excellent breaker of tension in a tense situation, or lighten the mood in a dark situation, or even help friends become better friends though the brilliant art of mockery.
9. Find a place that has pizza. This is very important. Because it's one of the steps.
10. Buy a slice of pizza that turns out to be disgracefully awful. Just inedible bad. Like eating a rat’s ass sandwich.
11. Have them force a second slice onto you for free. Tell them you don't want it. But have them insist. And then eat it even though it's fucking awful, because you're too much of a pussy to be impolite.
Yep, follow these ten easy steps and you’ll be swimming in free pizza. I was, and today was the best day of my life.