Thursday, March 12, 2015

How it went down

You know what would be totally cool? Getting your car nearly stolen! Ah hell yeah! Depending on how it went down of course.

Scenario one: Carjacking.

'Hey mate, I'm carjacking you'.
'I beg your pardon?'
'I'm fucking carjacking you!'
'You're gonna masturbate my car?'
'You're going to jack off my car? That's weird and gross man'.
'Nah asshole, I'm carjacking you'.
'Me? Wait you're going to masturbate me with my car? I'm not into that sorry'.
'What the fucking are you talking about. I'm stealing this car'.
'Hang on, just cause I don't want you to jack me off with a vehicle is no reason to turn around and steal my car. That’s a weird specific fetish man, you can’t go around stealing a car off every person not into it’.
‘I never wanted to jack off anything!’
‘Yes you did. Did you or did you not say to me that you were carjacking me’.
‘I AM carjacking you’.
‘Look dude, you go ahead an jack what ever you want, but my light turned green, I’m out of here’.
‘Wait, no wait. I’m stealing your car. That’s all I ever wanted to do. I am sorry I used the word jacking, it’s just a miscommunication, but get out please, I am stealing it’.
‘Well if that’s all you ever wanted then why did you say that you were jacking it?’
‘Because jacking it’s cooler’.
‘Ha ha. Cooler? There is absolutely nothing cool happening here. You’re stealing a car? That’s as lame as it gets. Ha ha “oh I want a car but I can't afford one cause I'm too dumb and lazy to get a decent paying job, there's 16 year olds that have saved enough from working at McDonalds who can afford a car but I'm just a big dumb loser” ha ha. Cooler. That’s funny. Seeya dude’.

Scenario two: Stolen from its parking spot.

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. I am SURE I parked it there. That’s definitely where I parked it. Oh fuck, this fucking sucks. I knew I had bad feeling about this carpark. Fucking hell.

Twenty minutes later.  Now sweaty from having done several laps of the whole place.

It was definitely there. I definitely parked it there. This is fucking sickening. I better call the cops. This is humiliating. Wait, is that it over there. Holy fuck it is too. But I parked over here, not over there. Oh wait. That’s fucking right I WAS parked here, but I did such an embarrassingly bad job of getting between the lines, and then an even worse job of attempting to fix the bad job, that out of pure shame I moved it over there. But thank fuck I found it. Phew. Oh wait. Now my ticket will have expired and I will have to explain to the guy at the gate why it took me so long to get out. Could this get anymore mortifying?

Yep. Today I nearly had my car stolen, and one of the scenarios above is how it went down. It was the best day of my life.

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