Monday, May 25, 2015

Travel - Not just about cliches!

Movies, are great right? I think everyone can agree on that. We love them, they love us, and together we love each other, but movies have been lying to you people, movies have for ages made it seem like travel isn't always fun! You bastards. 

I'm talking classic movies involving cliche international travel, movies like Black Hawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, Shindlers List, and Platoon, the list goes on and on, well I've got a message for you movies, travel isn't all about war, no no no, not just stinkin' war, travel also has things like site seeing, delicious food you can eat with your face, and racial hatred that's mostly now suppressed, oh and romance. And I want to talk about this last aspect of travel for a moment. Let's explore this with a cliche classic animal documentary style format. 

Meet Mick, he is a cliche Australian traveller. He has the wide eyed stare and unnecessary grin of someone either very open to new ideas, or just very very simple minded, and he's a slightly doughy, dim-witted man on holiday in England, a place that's NOT Australia. 

Mick (Mick waves happily while grinning like a moron) 'Hi I'm taking a huge risk and leaving home behind to see something new, they say England is a place with only 300,000 odd other Australians! That's less than Australia, so that will be interesting. Also I like seeing stuff, and doing stuff, and you know, not being stuffed to do anything, it's gonna be fun, I'm gonna do that stuff in a whole new place! 

And Meet Sondra, she's a cliche British girl, which is a place you can only go with travel. Unless your from there. She has a British accent that sounds slaggy to those from her own country but to foreigners sounds sweet and adorable. 

Sondra (Sexy, from a
distance, slaggy sounding British accent, unless you're not from there, in which case it's adorable) 'Hi, I like shagging foreigners cause in my own country the boys think I'm a right slag, but to foreigners I sound sweet and adorable, oh and I've already shagged practically every boy in Britain, got to get some fresh dick from somewhere'. 

Wow, just doesn't she just sound so sweet and adorable? And great sense of humor too.

Sondra - 'Oh the boys always fink I'm funny too, not sure why, I'm just always talking about all the fresh dick I've shagged, wait so they think that's just jokes?'

Mick likes Sondra, and he likes her jokes, he finds them raunchy. 

Mick- 'I like her jokes. So raunchy, also her accent is different to mine.'

Sondra likes Mick, she likes that's he's fresh dick.

Sondra - 'I like fresh dick, he's got one'.

They like each other. And when that happens romance can take place. And now they get to hang out. Which goes delightfully. 

Sondra - 'So right, that's like a fuckin' bridge, and that's a fuckin' castle, and oh look that mail box is red n that'

Mick - 'Wow, I've never seen these things before, this is new and exciting. And I'd never have gotten to see them without you! Or maybe a guidebook'.

With interesting information and compliments exchanged, romance can now get even more romantic.

Sondra - 'Right so have you got like a hotel room then?'

Foreign ladies love hotel rooms. In your own city girls hardly ever ask if you've got a hotel room. I have a theory that it's because when traveling you've swept them up in travel romance!

And then when you get there you don't have to muck about with candlelit dinners, and organizing for string quartets as you always do when romancing a lady at home, and they forgive you, I have a theory that it's because they know your phone doesn't properly work here, sometimes they pass it off with a joke. 

'I've got gonorreah so best just shag me in the arse'.

Ha ha. Travel. 

With coitus now moved onto post coitus, the romance of travel can turn out to have a twist. 

Sondra - 'Turns out it was all ruse, I was just setting Mick up'.

Now two men come and grab Mick and drag him into a van, and no, it's not like in the movies where they plan to torture him in exchange for cliche battle plans and the location of the cliche allies mission planning center, they merely want to torture him for money, his passport and possibly to sell him to ISIS.

'Why's there a pillow case over my head, ha ha Sondra you're so funny, and raunchy'.

The End 

So stop making travel look dangerous movies! I'm talking to you classic cliche travel movies, where the lead characters have travelled somewhere, like Thin Red Line, Patton, Star Wars, and Apocalypse Now, travel isn't just about war, it's also romantic. 

Ahhhh, romance 
Ahhh, travel
Ahhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhh

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