Sunday, September 6, 2015

Mix This

Confession time - I've never been to a goat herding themed croissant mixer.

Now I know what you're thinking - 'you Dave? You've NEVER been. That's madness. That seems right up your alley, WAY up your alley. Nice alley by the way, you keep it nice and tidy, I'm into that'. 

And first off, thank you, I have long kept a nice clean alley, but I wasn't aware anyone had really noticed, which can be frustrating at times, because it certainly doesn't clean itself, there are always fast food wrappers, and sometimes old tires, I don't know how they get there, if you're going to dump your tires why bring them to MY alley you animals! 

And secondly, you're RIGHT! It is up my alley, WAY UP my alley. And I'll tell you it's difficult living a life that's devoid of the memory of going to goat herding themed croissant mixer, there's like a shadowy area in my memory where that should be, and frankly that area is scaring the crap out of my memories of being a child. 

Oh sure, I could glue together memories of the many goat herding themed bars, restaurants, hatariums, and reptile zoos I've been too, and memories of the dozens of croissant mixers I've been to, hosted by everyone from everyone's favorite fence mender Harold Deesh to my local rock merchant Norm Stone, a man who just does NOT stop loving people saying 'well you're certainly in the right line of work' despite stones and rocks being vastly different things.

But why should I glue memories? I'm down there every day cleaning my alley, with goat herding loving croissant mixing people right up my alley, sure it's WAY up my alley, but I make it up that far occasionally when the weather is nice. And I want in.

Here's what you can do to help:

- Are you throwing a croissant mixer this weekend? 
- Probably. 
- So consider adding in a goat herding theme.
- I mean really consider it. 
- It's starting to sound pretty good isn't it?
- Well done for thinking in sound.
- But also think of the visuals.
- Goat herding shirts!
- Goat herding shoes!  
- Goat herding HATS! 
- Goat shit everywhere.
- Goat shit on goat herding hats! 
- Alright, so it's settled, yay, you're throwing a goat herding themed croissant mixer!
- Congrats!  
- Wait I forgot, goat shit on goat herding hats! 
- Oh I'd said that already. 
- Don't let that take away my invite. 
- It was just a mistake.
- Am I still getting an invite? 
- Well you know what, fuck you!
- And also if you're currently thinking the old tire you wear as a necklace is going out of style, then stay the fuck away from my alley!!! 

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