Friday, June 3, 2016

Twenty Five - Large Lycra Needed

The world is full of problems. Luckily I have a solution to almost all of them: 

Need to shave but forgot your razor? Just stick your head in a fire started on a flame retardant blanket, implausible flame NEVER burns the skin because it doesn't want to ruin its reputation.

Want more friends named Jeremy? Simply run an ad in the paper saying 'found wallet belonging to Jeremy with ten thousand dollars cash in it, come to Connell Park on Friday to pick it up' then use the money to buy their friendship.

Want to find it easier to deny the existence of a seemingly frequently found bird? Just cross breed lizards with camels until you've created a Loch Nest Style Monster, unleash it on the city water supply, reveal that knowledge to the local news, which will start mass citywide hysteria, leading to people running all over the place to collect supplies in case this is an alien attack, and all the running will scare the birds off. 

Get offered the choice between a 'bowl of nuts' and a 'nut of bowls' and you just can't choose? Just remember that they are very different, VERY different, clearly the second one is just stupid, I mean you can't have multiple bowls! 

Need to insult someone? Simply say 'for your age' after any statement. Example - 'you are not a linoleum floor- for your age!' Boom, they'll be insulted NOW and BIG. 

Got faulty shocks on your car? Simply re-name them 'big springy things' and you won't even know what shocks are, let-alone know if they're faulty.  

Want to sell more product? Just give people what they want and make it easy, I mean hey supermarkets, seriously, I don't care that you always pre-cart them for some reason, but I really don't want to buy a baby! Dicks.

Got shot in the stomach? Just rub mayonnaise onto the wound to let the doctors know you probably 
deserved to be shot. 

Want an interesting, admirable in effort and yet ultimately failing way to prove that you rarely sail? Just eat an enormous garbage bag full of dried leaves. Frequent sailers only do that on special occasions at best. 

Want to prove that your fear of horns is in direct contrast to your time-machine building skills? Just publicly head-butt a tyrannosaurus.

Need more money due to some recent awesome schemes? Just collect the paper work needed to legally change your name and then keep an eye on the paper,  I've heard people sometimes find wallets full of cash and will just give it the the person with the right name! 

Yep, solutions to problems are easy. And I had a BIG problem here, and it was affecting me NOW! 

But as usual a clear answer came to me, and I came up with an ingenious, smart and flawless solution  - I was going to make the manager of this restaurant SEEM like he was great at his job, so good that I could get him fired, where his level of goodness was GREAT. It was ingenious, and flawless and even smart! 

There was only one problem - I didn't know HOW to make him seem great at his job. And even though I have answers to almost every dilemma imaginable, even I was going to struggle with this one, and this struggle was NOW, and it was BIG! 

*To be wrestled with further*

*As in wrestled with more*, rather than wrestled with far* away

*Speaking of more, own an arena and you need more events to put on? Just have tyrannosauruses wrestle lizard-camels, all the failed babies of attempts to create a Loch Nest Style Monster are currently not being used for ANYTHING!

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