Monday, February 22, 2010

Answering life’s big questions

What is the reason cats and rabbits have the same feet when one climbs trees, and the other burrows in the ground?

Great question – one which has baffled scientists and evolutionists for thousands of years. Fortunately I have access to secret documents never before seen by humans.

You see a few thousand years ago kitties and bunnies were one creature known as a hlizer. The hlizer was the cutest creature on earth, and beloved by all. (humans that is, the other uglier animals like pigs and cows fucking hated them, and to punish their ill thought we started eating the fuckers).

At some point however, the hlizer became restless with being merely the cutest and most loved animal ever seen, it wanted to spread its wings (not literally, yeah right like a hlizer had wings, what will people make up next) and it wanted to dig below the ground and climb high into the trees. So the hlizer leadership group came together and decided hlizers should branch out (again not literally, they wanted to climb trees not become them, come on people) and split into two different animals, the bunny and the kitty.

The agreement was written on secret documents, with certain rules which could not be broken. The hlizer was already the cutest animal in the world, and they did not wish to lose this title (the sneaky chicken was trying to sneak in here so the hlizers had us eat those fuckers too, tricky they were) so it was decided that in their pursuit of burrowing underground and climbing trees cuteness could not be sacrificed, and as a super cute element of the hlizer, the paws were not allowed to change in appearance, only in function.

To make sure this took place a system of selective breeding took place. The old saying ‘to breed like bunnies’ is actually a morphing of the old old saying ‘to breed like hlizers’ and referred to not bonking like maniacs, but selective breeding where only the cutest of the cute were allowed to spread their seed (nice way of saying cum in each other).

Over time however, a resistance to the selective breeding grew. Especially in the new bunny populations. ‘hey I might not be the cutest, but I am still cute, let me breed god damn it’ (another way of saying cum in each other) bunnies were heard saying in underground speakeasies.

Eventually the rebels made the move and broke the ancient hlizer agreement, and started fucking more like rabbits are more known for in more modern times more. They knew not what they were doing, and soon a wild and ugly rabbit population developed around the world, no where near as cute as the selectively bred bunnies, which we now know of as domestic or pet bunnies. Still oh so cute.

The kitties too had a resistance and some break away non-selective fucking, but after the disastrous practise created the Mexican hairless, the resistance was squashed, and the kitty gene pool remained mostly pure and cute as, well as a kitty.

Thousands of years later we can all just be proud and happy to know, that thanks to a few smart, and dedicated hlizers, who were willing to make the tough decisions, to this day we are blessed to be able to keep bunnies and kitties, including their cute little paws, in our very homes. Plus eat burgers with bacon and sides of deep fried chicken fingers (not actually fingers, I mean seriously, who names a food and thinks 'I know lets have the fuckers think they are eating a body part that this animal doesn't even possess!').

And who said organized religion was wrong? (which is a question completely unrelated, and even I would have to say in the most part yes organized religion is wrong, but you know, people (or hlizers) coming together for a common good can still work!)

Why do you never see baby vultures?

Great question, and again, because this time thanks to my relationship with the Macy’s family I have the answer which has been a tightly guarded secret for decades.

You see when Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, Myer, Harrods and other large department stores hire a girl to work their make-up counters they have a dilemma. In order to sell vast quantities of make-up they need to somehow figure out how to get their staff to convince clients that covering their faces with so much make-up that they look like middle-aged whores who moonlight as circus clowns is the way to go.

They tried a number of methods to achieve this. First they said to the staff ‘hey want to tell the customers to keep whacking on make-up till they look like fucking freaks’ and the staff said ‘hell no, I could never be so cruel’.

Then they tried saying ‘what if we give you a bit of commission’ which worked a little bit but still had staff saying ‘you really don’t need to have the lipstick go well past where the lip turns into skin’.

But then someone had a genius idea – ‘we’ll stick baby vultures up the staffs asses’ he screamed at a meeting. ‘Are you fucking retarded’ came the reply by his manager, a man soon to be fired for this very statement (because of using the word ‘retarded’ in an un-PC way, although it turns out he may well have been fired soon for nearly costing the company the use of the amazing baby vulture technology).

Testing began at once, and baby vultures were inserted into make-up counter girl’s asses, and it worked amazingly. Not only were these women now willing to cake themselves in ridicules amounts of make-up themselves, they were now happy to take even natural beauties and convince them that they could never quite be attractive if a human eye saw even a patch of her human face skin, and they did this all while being snotty yet smiley. It truly was genius.

Unfortunately one side affect was when the now full grown vultures climbed out of the make-up girl’s ass they would be ugly and angry, and unable to acquire normal employment these vultures instead turned into dirty scavenges.

By the way, while I am a vocal supporter of male to female anal sex, I think it should be avoided if you ever find yourself being intimate with a department store make up girl. Unless of course you want your dick bitten off, but then you may have other issues you’d like looked into.

Little known facts about answering life’s big questions

- It’s way easier if you merely stick to the obvious truth and don’t feel the need to embellish or invent

- It’s harder than throwing a rock at a passing catholic school bus but its easier than proving Christian heaven to Muslims

- It’s slightly more rewarding than forcing a toddler to wear a purple hat

Tomorrow I distinctly and completely and helpfullyely define the meaning of life, yes, I know, how good am I?

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