Friday, August 12, 2011

How your life is at risk from a newly discovered yet very common disease

I don’t like to get too political or socially aware on my blog, but this week I have been given access to some exclusive scientific research about a very real disease that you may currently be suffering from unaware, and/or very well may be put ting your life, and the lives of all the people you know and love in danger every single day.

‘LSB’ or ‘Lazy Scum-Bag’ is a condition that scientists have now discovered to be the root of why so many drivers seem unable or unwilling to use their car’s indicator, blinker or as perpetrators call them 'why do they have that weird stick next to my steering wheel in every car I drive?'

Suffers of LSB have been seen across the world failing to indicate while doing the following:

- turning left
- turning right
- changing lanes
- parking
- trying to hit dogs and
- while using roundabouts with 74 cars approaching from every direction

Sound ghastly? It is, but here is where it gets extraordinarily scary - LSB’s have be known to fail to indicate even when there are other cars around that need to know the LSB’s plans before navigating their own situation in the safest way possible, also when pedestrians are in the facility possibly about to walk exactly where you are planning to turn under a cloak of false safety from the car lights suggesting it is planning on going straight and not turning at all, and yes, even when there is no one around but they are still legally required to use their blinking tool.

Good…. GOD.

This despite activating said indicator requiring nothing more than moving a finger two inches from where it already is, or should be!

Every day more and more people develop the symptoms suggesting the early stages of LSB, and once it takes hold life, as they know it, is nothing but hell. As one long suffer of LSB described the ordeal of his horrible affliction:

'Using my blinker requires me to move my finger two inches! Fuck that I'd much rather kill a kid!'

LSB has been noticed by experts for many years but always discounted as not being a real condition due to sufferers simultaneously partaking in activities that are dangerous and/or annoying despite in these cases it requiring MORE effort than treating their fellow drivers with respect.

Activities like

- Honking horn at someone for doing something they themselves do guilt free
- Tailgating despite the car in front already going the speed limit and the fact tailgating is most likely to slow them down now that they have been put in danger
- Not kindly allowing someone into your lane, and then giving them the finger when you force them to force their way in

For years experts have thought these activities were merely caused by people being 'selfish' and 'total assholes' mostly because they are, that's why LSB caught scientists so off guard, because in terms of effort it is the opposite the regular behavior of the LCB. One expert was recently quoted saying:

‘Turns out even total assholes are capable of getting diseases, wow we’re in luck, maybe they'll also get Hodgkin’s Luphoma, that's a real thing right?’

If you are sufferer of LSB not all hope is lost. Help is out there, counseling can help, losing your license for a DUI has been known to minimize the regularity and there are also full cures, such as:

- Jumping off a balcony
- Putting your head in oven and slow roasting it like beef brisket
- Going to a hospital and seeing a crippled brain damaged kid who was hit by a car that didn’t indicate and then explaining to his parents exactly why moving your finger two inches is too hard
- Getting blinded by shards of glass after crashing into a kitchen appliance store
- Thinking to yourself 'I’m a dangerous fucking douche bag, is this how I was resided? Yes, I guess it's time for a parental/self murder suicide’

If a slower approach is more your style you can also simply start moving your finger 2 inches occasionally. If you're not ready to do it in a driving situation start at home, you'll find all sorts of benefits, cans of soda can now not just held but also opened, TV channels can be changed with a remote, and you can point at things and say to someone exciting things like 'was that pot plant always there?'

Sadly of course, most LSB suffers will never seek help as one of the symptoms of LSB is a condition known as ‘LYNDAW’ or 'like you've never done anything wrong' which is a weird tick like response LSB sufferers will spew once having it pointed out that moving ones finger 2 inches is not big that big an ask seeing as it saves lives.

‘Like you've never done anything wrong!’ They'll yell.

Yes sadly, in the LSB mind, the fact that there are few flawless humans in the world justifies anything they may do wrong themselves, despite how possibly catastrophic the result and the available simple solution.

So sad.

So if you meet a LSB sufferer give them a hug, they're suffering, then tackle them to the ground and steal they're car keys, just caused they're diseased doesn’t mean they should be allowed to kill us.

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