Thursday, June 28, 2012

How to rob a bank (advice from someone who has done it)

Look, right off the bat, I want to make sure you all know that the goal from writing today’s blog is not at all to make you jealous, although I understand from the get go some of you will become jealous, and I am sorry about that, but it is just a going to have to be the flaw that comes from talking about this topic – you see – now please hold your chair hard just in case you descend into a jealous rage, I don’t want your hands somewhere that may result in a smashed computer screen – but here goes – yesterday I was forced to go to the bank!
I know what your thinking – ‘fuck you Dave, how come you always get to live the high life - I am stuck at home watching TV while I make love to my wife – and you’re out there getting to enjoy the thrill of long lines, emotionless staff, waiting behind people who some how manage to make a transaction that takes you twenty seconds last fourteen minutes all while you are charged a five dollar per minute waiting in line charge, seriously fuck you!’  And seriously, I hear you, I’d be jealous too, and I LIKE watching television, but you don’t know the full story.

And you are never going to know it, because I just typed it up and it was so painfully boring that I deleted it all – all you need to know is this – I got messed around in a very annoying and illogical way, and this required me to go into the bank, and now we are back to the point of your raging jealousy, which I think you should maybe try and get some pills for or something, because it can’t be healthy. Wait, are there pills for jealousy? And are there known medical disorders that are diagnosed as being caused by lots of jealousy? Because I swear there could be a huge untapped market in there.

‘Do you ever feel jealous of people who have things you don’t such as: money, status, fame, love, good food, access to activities mostly done on lakes, bank visits, biceps that are visible to the naked eye, women, plans to buy the latest apple products that are basically the exact same as the apple product they already have, cars, t-shirts with genuinely funny slogans on them, health, lack of a problem with excess sweating, living somewhere other than a box, know the recipe for chipotle mayo so they can make their own, great penmanship, a sexual orientation other than your own, a lack of cancer of the colon, friends with Christopher Nolan, or plenty of free time to go bowlin?’

‘If you answered yes to any or all of the above then answer this, are you ever tired?’

‘If so then you are officially diagnosed from this commercial as suffering from Jealoreah, and your tiredness is a sure symptom that you may, possibly even one day, suffer from any of the following conditions – old age, heart problems relating to old age, joint problems caused by having the same joints well into old age, old age related flatulence, or you could even die before reaching old age! – That is how serious Jealoreah is!’

Fortunately we now have a drug that can help – alcohol – now proven to enrage your jealousy to the point of committing violent crimes, that will land you in jail, where you will be kept far away from all the things that made you jealous in the first place – ask your doctor about alcohol today!’

Wait, where was I – the bank! While I was waiting for an hour to end up not really getting my annoying problem solved, I looked around the bank and was struck by how much this particular bank looked extremely bank rob prone – it is huge with vast amounts of wide open spaces, big benches for bank robbers to climb up on, yell a speech then shoot the ceiling, low security windows, and lots of customers who have been waiting so long their joints will no longer work in any punch a bank robber type of way – and as I was thinking this I suddenly remembered something – I – yes me – David Tieck – and this is a true story – have robbed a bank before!

Yep – and I stole – this is true also – five MILLION dollars!

Now before you go judging me I must confess it was literally an accident, and I didn’t steal it for me, I stole it for the company I was working for. You see I used to be in charge of millions of dollars of other people’s money every day, and this meant making countless bank transactions, at times in an enormous rush, and often for amounts well into the millions – plus I have terrible penmanship.

I once wrote out a check that was supposed to be for four million and something amount of dollars to be paid from a big bank to the company I worked for, so I wrote the amount out in words, and wrote down the number, and filled out the form that had the number written in both words and numbers several times, and took it into the bank. The teller then proceeded to only look at the number on the check, misread my 4 as being a 9, and deposited five million dollars too much into our account. It took several days for the mistake to be noticed, and several more days to be rectified, plenty of time for the money to have been absconded by any number of people who had access to those accounts, including me, and with still plenty of time to flee to the Luxembourg and freedom. And I have been to Luxembourg and it is delightful!

So there you have it, robbing a bank is easy, just use ambiguous looking 4s and hope for a moronic teller. Just don’t’ be jealous that it was me and not you who figured this out first, I’d hate for you to be diagnosed with Jealoreah.

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