Look, right off the
bat, I want to make sure you all know that the goal from writing today’s blog
is not at all to make you jealous, although I understand from the get go some
of you will become jealous, and I am sorry about that, but it is just a going
to have to be the flaw that comes from talking about this topic – you see – now
please hold your chair hard just in case you descend into a jealous rage, I
don’t want your hands somewhere that may result in a smashed computer screen –
but here goes – yesterday I was forced to go to the bank!
I know what your
thinking – ‘fuck you Dave, how come you always get to live the high life - I am
stuck at home watching TV while I make love to my wife – and you’re out there
getting to enjoy the thrill of long lines, emotionless staff, waiting behind
people who some how manage to make a transaction that takes you twenty seconds
last fourteen minutes all while you are charged a five dollar per minute
waiting in line charge, seriously fuck you!’
And seriously, I hear you, I’d be jealous too, and I LIKE watching
television, but you don’t know the full story.
And you are never
going to know it, because I just typed it up and it was so painfully boring
that I deleted it all – all you need to know is this – I got messed around in a
very annoying and illogical way, and this required me to go into the bank, and
now we are back to the point of your raging jealousy, which I think you should
maybe try and get some pills for or something, because it can’t be healthy.
Wait, are there pills for jealousy? And are there known medical disorders that
are diagnosed as being caused by lots of jealousy? Because I swear there could
be a huge untapped market in there.
‘Do you ever feel
jealous of people who have things you don’t such as: money, status, fame, love,
good food, access to activities mostly done on lakes, bank visits, biceps that
are visible to the naked eye, women, plans to buy the latest apple products
that are basically the exact same as the apple product they already have, cars,
t-shirts with genuinely funny slogans on them, health, lack of a problem with
excess sweating, living somewhere other than a box, know the recipe for
chipotle mayo so they can make their own, great penmanship, a sexual
orientation other than your own, a lack of cancer of the colon, friends with
Christopher Nolan, or plenty of free time to go bowlin?’
‘If you answered yes
to any or all of the above then answer this, are you ever tired?’
‘If so then you are
officially diagnosed from this commercial as suffering from Jealoreah, and your
tiredness is a sure symptom that you may, possibly even one day, suffer from
any of the following conditions – old age, heart problems relating to old age,
joint problems caused by having the same joints well into old age, old age
related flatulence, or you could even die before reaching old age! – That is
how serious Jealoreah is!’
Fortunately we now
have a drug that can help – alcohol – now proven to enrage your jealousy to the
point of committing violent crimes, that will land you in jail, where you will
be kept far away from all the things that made you jealous in the first place –
ask your doctor about alcohol today!’
Wait, where was I –
the bank! While I was waiting for an hour to end up not really getting my
annoying problem solved, I looked around the bank and was struck by how much
this particular bank looked extremely bank rob prone – it is huge with vast
amounts of wide open spaces, big benches for bank robbers to climb up on, yell
a speech then shoot the ceiling, low security windows, and lots of customers
who have been waiting so long their joints will no longer work in any punch a
bank robber type of way – and as I was thinking this I suddenly remembered
something – I – yes me – David Tieck – and this is a true story – have robbed a
bank before!
Yep – and I stole –
this is true also – five MILLION dollars!
Now before you go
judging me I must confess it was literally an accident, and I didn’t steal it
for me, I stole it for the company I was working for. You see I used to be in
charge of millions of dollars of other people’s money every day, and this meant
making countless bank transactions, at times in an enormous rush, and often for
amounts well into the millions – plus I have terrible penmanship.
I once wrote out a
check that was supposed to be for four million and something amount of dollars
to be paid from a big bank to the company I worked for, so I wrote the amount
out in words, and wrote down the number, and filled out the form that had the
number written in both words and numbers several times, and took it into the
bank. The teller then proceeded to only look at the number on the check,
misread my 4 as being a 9, and deposited five million dollars too much into our
account. It took several days for the mistake to be noticed, and several more
days to be rectified, plenty of time for the money to have been absconded by
any number of people who had access to those accounts, including me, and with
still plenty of time to flee to the Luxembourg and freedom. And I have been to
Luxembourg and it is delightful!
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