I got lots of things running through my mind right now – the numbers twenty and forty, the products pants and guitars, the feelings of harmony and glossiness and, yes, something else that I think few people have ever really felt like thinking about at a time when they can’t stop thinking about it, yes, I am talking about doubt.
I think perhaps for the time being I will talk about the last one. This last sentence no longer makes total sense after I have altered a little bit of what was written above, but why the hell should I give up on it. It played it’s part, it was a useful, honest and even optimistic sentence when it was first written, and on this blog, tonight, in this moment, I will not give up on you sentence – I will find away to make you matter once more, you can count on that.
Doubt – to doubt oneself, to feel the emotion of doubt, to second guess whether or not you doubt something, doubtful – yes the definitions of such a word are as diverse as they are hilarious as they are clear as day, as long as the day is a clear day, which often it is not, especially if you live somewhere foggy like London, San Francisco, or any place where a murder took place in the 1980s.
Or any rock video in the 1980s. This last sentence is an alternative option for the last sentence of the past paragraph. I thought of it only after writing the original sentence, and decided it did not warrant replacing the sentence I had written originally, even though I am not completely happy with impact I hoped the orginal sentence would have, but it wasn’t this sentences fault. It did its part, it gave me an alternative, and really that’s all I asked from it – So I will not abandon you sentence, you have my word.
At this time my writerly instincts are telling me that the correct way to continue on with this blog is to finish the thought I had on doubt, and then conjure up a third example of a sentence that needs my help to stay alive even though its use would not normally be evident and obvious in the normal scheme of the story I originally was inspired to write. But fuck that. This blog is not about getting things write, or following pre-conceived notions of what is right and wrong, or even write or rong – I am currently pissed off at myself for not finding another way about to spell the word wrong to try and find some humor from missuses of the words ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. You see, this blog is about just being true to my thoughts, so I will be true to them motherfuckers, I just confess some stuff. And it is within that truth that I get to say, with no lie nor effort – that today was the best day of my life.
What I originally intended todays blog to be about was actually about how I was proud of myself for restringing a guitar today, taking time to relearn how to do it, rather than pawn the job off to one of my far more guitar gifted friends, as I normally do. Sure my guitar now sounds a little rattly, and I will probably need one of my far more guitar gifted friends to fix the damage. But I am still proud of myself for taking on a chore I normally avoid out of fear of doing it wrong.
Doubt – when I randomly pulled that word out of my butt as I started writing this I thought to myself – ‘run with that, with and by the time you end writing this find a way to honestly say – I am finally ready to say I will no longer give into doubt – I am now living in a world where I have eradicated it’.
Well I can’t say that. But what I can say is this – trying to eradicate it is fucking stupid – the goal is to limit how much I let it affect me negatively and be happy with reduction – no one is perfect Dave, it’s ok.
I currently doubt this last little bit of writing – I prefer these posts to be funny first, and profound, or anything in that world – philosophical, thoughtful, lesson learny – only if it remains funny first, and the lessons are helping that, rather than instead of that.
I am doubting this entire direction I am going in right now.
Fuck it – that’s what todays blog turned out to be.
Oh I have to use twenty somehow and then I can wrap this up – um twenty tiny missell contraptions that can’t stop the cream storm!!!
Oh, I mentioned above that I will confess some stuff during this blog – I should do one more – ok, um, that use of the word twenty above makes me really happy.
Oh and ‘missell’ isn’t a real word, but I couldn’t spell the word I meant to spell even close enough to get it with spell check, and I don’t give the slightest shit, yay.