Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Powerfully Persuasive

I like to think that if I was a Sheik who loved hardwood floors but had accidentally told my aids to floor the entire apartment with tiles having mistakenly thought the wood panels on floors were long thin brown tiles, and I didn't to embarrass myself by admitting my mistake, but also didn't want freaking tiles on the living room floor like a bloody bathroom, 'I mean my god, guests might end up pissing on the humidor thinking its a fancy cat box for humans', I'd try and psyche myself into 'changing my mind', probably while blaming my dad (no one really likes him anyway) and getting the hardwood floors I desired in the first place, by looking in the mirror and saying the following: 

Look at you. Standing proud. Tall. Sexy. Not at all pathetic. Proud in fact. Not that you have anything to be proud about. But you don't let that stop you. Do you. And that's something to be proud about. 

Look at your satisfying amount of armpit hair. Not too much. Not too little. Some hints of roll on deodorant chunks still not dissolved. Showing cleanliness in an unclean way. Just cause Sheiks traditionally have beards but yours is too patchy to look at all decent is nothing to feel less of a man about. Armpit hair is fine. And yours is swell. No wonder you're not wearing a shirt. Although probably should put one on before you tell Ahgkmad about the floors.

No no, we're not there yet, confidence please Glen. Fuck, why did my dad call me Glen, it's so unsheiky, that fuck, and that's exactly why it's perfectly ok to blame him for this floor fiasco. I mean he bought half the cigars in the humidor so it benefits him anyway. Also 'that's so unsheiky' sounds like a pop song one of these modern pop stars would sing, them and their arrogant 'I'm not even completely sure what a Sheik is, and therefore this might be offensive' ways. Those fools. 

Look at you getting off track like a trackless track star. If your body wasn't so amply unbuffed in a sexy sort of 'I'm too powerful to need to be buff' way, you could totally drop a tracksuit on it. 

You're a confident, virile, important man. Look at that bulge. I bet even if the threat of beheadings wasn't in the air all the wenches STILL wouldn't complain about that. 

I wonder how hardwood floors handle beheading blood? The bathroom tiles sure are perfect for it. So easy to clean. I guess it wouldn't be all bad if they were in the living room too.

No Glen. That's not what you want. Hardwood floors please. 

Look at you confident. Strong. Handsome. Important. Manly. You always look so great in this bathroom mirror. You look good with white behind you. You should have that all the time. Wait those are tiles. Shut up. I don't want tiles in my living room. 

Do they actually have human cat litter box things so you can piss in your living room? That'd be pretty sweet actually. Plus the wenches will be impressed if I'm always whipping it out in the living room. 

Aggh. They love everything. They're required to. Just once I'd like to be told no. To not get everything my way. 

Look at you Glen you're pathetic. You're trying to talk yourself into 'wanting' the tiles, because you're too much of a pussy to admit you made a mistake, and to look stupid for not knowing that hardwood floors weren't tiles. And you're going to succeed in doing it because you're a brilliant powerful man who could talk anyone into anything so of course you'll talk yourself into this.

Plus Ahgkmad is scary. 

So it's settled. Tiles it is. Can't wait to behead a wench in the LIVING-ROOM! I'm going to go for the very next one who laughs at my patchy beard. 

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