Monday, May 18, 2015

The Lonely Doormat

The lonely doormat was lonely. 

'Hi, I'm a doormat and I'm lonely' it would often say.  

It didn't get used as often, or as nicely, as it used to, was the reason it was lonely. 

'The man of the house comes and goes via the garage entrance mostly these days, the lady of the house wears something called "heels" that friggin STAB me, and the teenage girl of the house seems prefer leaving the house in the middle of the night out of her bedroom window only to return home an hour or so later with a mysterious gooey substance running down her leg' the lonely doormat would say, as to why it was lonely. 

'Also my name is "the lonely doormat" it's a bit of a prick of a name to be born with, hard to escape, just like "Sally the Sociopathic Scorpion Sending Simpleton" of course she would end up being a little simple. You got to be more careful when you friggin name stuff people' it would say as to why it was lonely.

Sometimes the lonely doormat would cry. 

Sometimes it'd cry at night. 

'Wwwaaaahhhh look there's the moon waaaaggghh' it'd cry.

Sometimes it'd cry in the day. 

'Wwwaaaahhhh look there's the sun waaaagghh' it'd cry.

Sometimes it would cry at in-between day and night times.

'Wwwaaaahhh look there is low light lots of color in the sky plus I can see the moon, only its a pale white and not lit up waaaaaggghh' it'd cry. 

All hope seemed lost for the lonely doormats hope of one day hoping not to be lonely. 

'Waaaaggghh I can't find my hope, maybe I left it in my other pants waaaagghh' it'd cry. 

But then then it met a new friend - the cheeky bathmat that had been dumped on the porch by the lady of the house after the man of the house kept getting pee on it, seriously is it that hard to aim? Grow up! (You're welcome ladies). 

'Hi I'm the cheeky bathmat, I lived in the bathroom till I got covered in pee, I guess I'm just the type of thing that everything's ATTRACTED to' it would say trying to show off how cheeky it was. 

They had a whirlwind romance, although they prefer to call it the more technical 'tornado romance' - seeing as it was literally a tornado  that blew them together - lifted em up and slapped them together like a square of cheese slapping on a wet kitchen floor.

Just a big moist slap. 


It's lucky they liked each other - because once they we're blown together they basically had each other's fronts utterly covering, consuming, and engulfing one another. 

Sure, if the attraction had not been reciprocated someone could have tried to peel them apart, but let's face it both these mats had all sorts of gross stuff on them, pee, particles of dog-shit, a saturated flyer from dominoes pizza that had also gotten caught in the wind, half a slug. 

'Is that half a slug crawling around between us, or am I just happy to see you' the cheeky bathmat said to the lonely doormat, being all cheeky 'oh it's actually half a slug, sorry, that's right, we're mats, we don't have genitalia' It added, being slightly less cheeky. 

But then one day the man of the house found a teenage boy climbing out of his daughters window and upon first sight the man just had an awful thought 'that boy looks like when he arrived here he probably was carrying a mysterious gooey substance in his body somewhere, but now he looks exactly that amount of mysterious gooey substance lighter!' 

The lonely doormat now lives in a shallow grave in the forrest wrapped around the leaky brain segment of the corpse of a teenage boy who had been shot in the face by the man of the house. 

His beloved, the cheeky bathmat, lies adjacent to him, balled up around the teenage boys nose, which had been shot clean off his face and ended up comically stuck to the teenage girl of the houses window, glued on with both blood and some mysterious gooey substance. 

And the lonely doormat and the cheeky bathmat mat lived happily ever after.

Well until sniffer dogs found them and they were separated into air tight 'evidence bags' but that was days away, which is a long time in the life of a mat, so meh. Plus why do they deserve lasting love more than you or I, right? Fuck em. 

The end 

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