Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Today's message of joyful life enhancement

Today's message of joyful life enhancement 

So I've decided that people who want to die peacefully in their sleep are morons. 

In fact, they're really fucking stupid. Just dumb. Like brain dumb, street dumb, and even book dumb. Less smart than a monkey that lost half its brain in a knife fight with small child who thinks 'mushed carrot will be the best thing I ever taste'. Just the epitome of fucked in the brain stem with a dragon glass dagger. Less of hint of smart than found in your average microscope watched petrie dish showing a man who's been microwaving his testicles now dead sperm. Simply denser than black hole that was swallowed by a mentally challenged jelly-fish. More obtuse than prison warden unwilling to listen to a perfectly believable and frankly intriguing tale of wrongful banker imprisonment. As foolish as a vapid imbecilic, dim-witted, vacuous ignoramus who's doltish like  thickskulled brainless mind can't even work the thesaurus on his phone. And I'll totally tell you why! 

'So, how'd you die?'

Yep. That's the question. Read it again if you'd like. But keep it to a minimum. Cause once you hit the after life that's the question you are going to be asked by every singly person you meet for all of eternity!!!! 

Heaven, hell, purgatory, a different dimension, reincarnated as a pubic hair of a boy band member, becoming a beam of light that's searching for the star it originated from, basically still in your body in its coffin praying someone will grave rob you for a second of company, becoming a floating eyeball in a world full of blind Giants, in doesn't matter which one of the popular after-life likelihood's you are rewarded with, people will want to know how you died, and you better have a good story, because you'll be telling it over and over and over and over for eternity! 

'So how'd you get here' every single person for eternity will ask.

'Peacefully in my sleep' you always thought you wanted to reply. 

Boring. You think that'll get you laid, you think that'll get you invited into the hip poker games? You think that'll make you friends at the next pool party. You think anyone will hear that and say 'let me buy you a beer', or 'you poor thing let me use my magic heaven wand to bless your genitals with endless bliss?'

No it won't! 

So I say die Brutally! Die extraordinarily. Possibly even hilariously! Something like boasting to your friend that you're so bad ass that you can make vending machines give you free soda just by punching them, only to stick your hand through the glass and cut open an artery and then trying to win back cool points by trying to surf on the roof of the ambulance, only to be kicked in the face by a pair of shoes hanging off a power line, and deciding to take revenge by vowing to never wear shoes again and to then stepping on a metal rake and not just having it whack you in the face, but also give you tetanus, that would have easily been dealt with, but you were too embarrassed to go back to your doctor seeing as the last time you went there you mistook her request for a pee sample for her making a pass at you.

That's a story that'll get you invited into all sorts of exciting adventures in heaven. So my question is now, who still wants to die peacefully in their sleep, and who wants to go get me a free coke? 

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