Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Give It Up For Your Unsung Hero Of The Week
When you come home from a long, long day at work, your boss has been a real prick, your inbox just kept getting higher, and the customers, my god, the customers what assholes, and you reach the front door to your house, with your feet aching and your bladder full, bloated and even a tad leaky, and you want to get into your house as fast as possible, do you....
Reach for your axe to break the door down?
No you don't.
Do you reach for your flamethrower to burn a hole into the center of the wood so you can reach through and and open the door from the other side.
No no you do NOT!
Do you go to your local tank store and lease a retired Gulf War One era tank, that comes with the with prospect to buy if you become attached, something you doubt will happen, but then again you've never driven a tank, so who knows how much emotional pull they are capable of, and drive it home and shoot your door open with a tank missile?
No damn it, you do not!
Do you call up your local NFL or Rugby League team and tell them that there is an eighteen year old girl in your house desperate to be gang banged specifically by a bunch of moronic roid munchers, only to have sports cars as SUVs suddenly appear from everywhere so fast it's as if they had been literally hiding in the bushes, only to have them fight to bash down your door, only not actually be the first because let's face it, none of them actually care about the girl, they just want an excuse to bang each other without fear of being labelled gay, and have their boners for each other knock down your door?
No, you absolutely do NOT!
Do you buy a First Class ticket on a plane to the Solomon Islands, and at some point of the flight knock down the door to the cockpit where you suddenly realize that you totally didn't need to fork up and pay for a first class seat to do this, and business class would have been fine, possibly even economy, although with the confined leg space back there, you would have risked leg cramps making kicking down anything a challenge, and then realize that hijacking a plane and flying it into your house to open your door is in poor taste, and then realize you've just kicked down the door to a cockpit which is supposed to be impossible so surely you can kick down your house door, and then realize 'fuck I've got a ticket to the Solomon Islands, I've never been there, this could be cool, plus it's a first class ticket, I'm going to enjoy this! I can get into my house when I get back'.
Say it with me 'NO YOU GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING DON'T'
When you get home after a long hard day of work and want to open your goddam door as fast as you possibly can, you reach for your fucking house-keys (or apartment-keys, trailer-keys, camper-van-keys, tent-keys, we're not judgmental here).
That's why MY, YOUR, and even OUR unsung hero of the week is HOUSE KEYS!!!
Give it up boys n' girls!