Hello everybody, normally here on David Tieck and his Fleeting Forever, I like to focus on high art. Sometimes the art here gets so high it begins to develop frost and suddenly snowboarders begin to hang around it hoping it soon gets dusted with some sweet powder, but before it does they are so overwhelmed by the beauty, imagination and progressiveness of the art that they quit snowboarding and switch to artboarding, which is why you may have read about how the Van Gogh kept on the third floor at the Philadelphia Metropolitan Museum of Metropolitan Art recently has been officially upgraded in value a full ten percent because of its new found popularity with youth culture, and why the Louvre in Paris sadly no longer allows in 'Any Extreme Sports Facilitating Instruments Longer Than Six Feet' (for shame louvre).
But today I'm not going to make fine art, because today I've got something on my mind, namely - sledgehammers, and more specifically I have a thought about sledgehammers on my mind, namely - why doesn't anyone think about sledgehammers anymore?
Here are some little known facts about sledgehammers:
- They are a tool that preside in the 'hammer' category of 'hammering devices'.
- They're made of 'sledge' which is the sludge left over after a simple bathroom scum scrub.
- They're a badass weapon of wall destruction wielded by badass wall destroyers.
- Unless you're not that strong, and can barely lift them, in which case they mock you, and make you cry yourself to sleep staring at your bedroom wall moaning 'Nooo, it's not fair, nooooo I don't think you'll EVER be destroyed'.
- They rhyme with Wedgescammer. Don't want to be scammed of all your precious wedges? I know which one I'd pick.
- They come in a tiny yet subtle assortment of exciting sizes and designs.
- If your local mom n pop owned general store sells them there is a chance you live in a small town.
- They're better than slimehammers, sometimes even better than spewhammers.
Awesome right? Badass even! So where have they gone? Why aren't people talking about them? Maybe it's up to us? Let's get them BACK on and even IN the public consciousness! Let's get them back into all our lives, the way they used to be, before smart phones, when we spent our times with friends avoiding making a real connection by staring at our sledgehammers, not our phones.
Here's what you can do - we need people to connect sledgehammers to love again, so start finding ways to bring them up at the exact times the people YOU care about are talking about the things THEY care about. Here are some tips:
- Next time your best friend comes to you heart broken after 'the one' abruptly ended it, remind them that sledgehammers tend to be more loyal than humans and can keep you just as warm at night.
- Next time your buddy wants to talk about the big game that's on this weekend that they care about 'more than my parents, career or even love itself' subtly say 'I hope your team sledgehammers the opposition, then after climb the podium to collect the trophy and crack open a few sledgehammers and spray them everywhere before a night drinking crisp sledgehammers, dancing with the all girls wearing the tightest sledgehammers, in all the hippest night sledgehammers in town, but remind them if they go home with one of these girls to wear a sledgehammer, unless they want baby sledgehammers, which of course they do.
- Next time your neighbor comes over and says 'I have a small crumbled old brick barbecue pit in my backyard that I wouldn't mind getting rid of, any tips on how to break up the brick? Reply 'have you tried a sledgehammer'?
Yep, it's going to happen people, we're planting, growing and even harvesting sledgehammers BACK to where they belong - EVERYWHERE!
Oh and also, remember - if you're going to go boarding this week on a Picasso, or a Monet or perhaps on a piece of performance art in a small but iconic black box theater, make sure you tell them you were inspired by Dave Tieck.
Man, I'm really changing the world today, I think I'm going to go celebrate with delicious sledgehammer sundae.