Wednesday, July 8, 2015

The Only Rule

 Before that day I'd never even been to Longer Hair Than I Remembered Town.
The town with one single rule:
'If you see someone you haven't seen in a while you MUST say to them "your hair is longer than I remembered"'.

The rule seemed cruel.
At first.
At least to those who had severe balding issues. Their hair retreating faster than a hedgehog retreats from a grizzly bear that's been singing 'hedgehog, want to eat hedgehog, yes today I'm gonna’ hog my hedge' the song grizzlies traditionally sing to throw off the chipmunks they actually plan to eat, unaware that the hogs and the munks have long since broken the code, and have an alliance in falling back and informing the leaders of each species so their scientists can log it into their official records in hope they can finally find some pattern in their scatter plot graphs dedicated to bear snack habits, with plans to develop and market an energy bar specifically targeting bears, so that they can try and get an investor for it on Shark Tank.

'I'm bald you asshole!' People assumed they'd hear the bald and balding reply.

Yes the rule seemed cruel.
At first.
Even to those who had merely just had a poorly timed haircut. Their mistake not planned nor intended, like an Olympic gymnast misreaching their target by a fraction of an inch meaning the glory of gold has been replaced by a smashing of groin on wooden beam and with it severe genitalia damage, requiring reconstructive surgery ironically so expensive the surgeon in question uses the windfall to purchase a pure gold toilet, which unbeknownst to him fosters bacteria, and with it disease, far more intensely than your typical porcelain commode, resulting in dysentery and painful death.

Yes the rule seemed cruel.
At first.
'No, no, why would you say that? I just had a haircut yesterday; it's the shortest it's been in a while. Don't you like it? Did the hairdresser mess up? Please don't hurt a gymnast! Commode means toilet right?' People assumed they'd often hear the recently cut plead.

Those faithless fools.
Those dweeb like doubters.
Those misguided misanthropes.

For the 'longer hair than I remembered' rule was soon to reinvent, rejuvenate and revolutionize the town.

For starters the fact that the town was called 'Longer Hair Than I Remembered Town' finally made sense. Ending the cloud of confusion that had previously slowed down progression.

But then unexpected fringe benefits came into existence too.

Small talk was forever changed.
People no longer started every conversation with the weather, and how this specific town was located at the end of a narrow wind tunnel that originated in the Canadian Rockies where it ran full speed into the towns main local industry, manure production, which is a warm and steamy industry, and how the clash of temperature and pressure systems left the town almost continuously in the midst of a particularly 'unpleasant' 'sleet' storm, and now instead they got talking about the things that really matter to everyone more than anything else - superficial looks - and hitherto the previously common 'you've got brown snow in your hair' began to disappear.

But then there were even more fringe benefits. For example it's hard to rob a bank after the teller has made mention of your specific hair cut 'oh shit I've been recognized' was the typical reaction 'sorry about that "give me all the money or I'll shoot your brains into that photocopier" I was just kidding' became a common phrase in banks.

Yes it turned out that this new rule was to be the best thing that had happened to this town in over a fifty years (which was when the locals discovered that cows made cow manure and an industry was born), everyone who lived there had learned to adore it, all eight of them.

But unbeknown to everyone there, a not yet noticed flaw was about to rear its ugly little manure covered head. You see the rule only applied to people you hadn't seen in a while. And as it was my first time in town I had never seen anyone here, ever before. So there was to be no 'your hair looks longer than I remember' for me.

So pissed off and angry at being treated like such an outsider I lashed out and robbed there bank, and in my haste to escape I knocked over the chipmunks scatter plot which had been foolishly left out on its easel.

Yes, they say rules are meant to be broken, but occasionally, just occasionally they are perfectly fine going unbroken, just as long as you’ve worked out what would happen if Dave came to town.

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