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'SCAREMONGER!!!' Little five year old Jim Dellom responded with enthusiasm anytime he was asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. 

He'd read about one in the newspaper and even though he didn't understand all the words, a scaremonger sounded like the neatest most ace thing ever. 

He could scare Scott Kilm who'd once called him a 'stupid head' even though he was told his head was where his brain was and so was probably the least stupid part of his body, which is why he called just about every kid he saw a 'stupid penis'. 'The one part of the body none of the boys or girls will EVER think with' he reasoned. 

He could scare monsters, although he didn't really fear them too much anymore after seeing a fascinating documentary about them called Mobsters, Inc, which he found to present a strong argument suggesting current stereotypes in regard to monsters to be nothing short of hearsay and unfounded pessimism. Although his friend Joshy McGill does swear they're the reason he peed the bed when he had come to Jim's house for a sleep over.  

He could scare the bad man that took his mommy away from his daddy and now wanted to be called daddy himself, which he didn't understand because he thought a 'daddy' was someone who called a 'mommy' a 'cheating whore', not someone who helped him with his kicking in soccer. 

He could scare Miss Frucen who once told him to 'try harder' even though he already was trying really, really, really, really hard, suggesting that perhaps SHE should TEACH harder! I mean honestly, she was a grown up which meant she was born a giant and knows EVERYTHING, how did she not know this? 

He could even scare that bad person that EVERYONE was telling him to be very afraid of and stay far away from, called 'strangers', even though he'd never met him or her even after chasing down and asking almost every new person he could find anywhere what their name was. 

Yep, little five year old Jim Dellom knew EXACTLY what he wanted to be when HE grew up, a super cool, super awesome, not dork like at all - scaremonger! 

Unfortunately he was yet to find out that if you start reading the newspaper from age five you've got no chance of growing up to be anything but a cynical asshole. 

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