Wednesday, August 5, 2015
'Well you look like you got your hands on seventeen excess candy wrappers and you'd like to distribute them to needy badgers from mythology!' I yelled at him.
I'd been through an ordeal, I'd been slighted, I wanted payback, and If I'm honest, and I think I'd like to be right now, I am not sure I was completely proud of this insult.
Sure it had its positives, such as:
- Imagery of badgers, an animal that's often bandied about in mediums as diverse as pop art, kids cartoons and rap songs that are desperate to find a rhyme for 'groin smadger'. And yet they are an animal people still don't know tons about, I mean what's your average badger thinking right now? Who knows! Right. That's mysterious, and therefore it's profound and beautiful.
- The choice to make the candy wrappers 'distributed' rather than 'redistributed' singling that they remained fresh, relevant and casndecent.
- The specifics of the number 'seventeen' which subliminally would have descended him to youth, and with it the contrasting youthful trademarks of contrasting insecurity yet arrogance, recklessness yet naivety, and freedom basking under a low wattage globe glow of significance teetering parental rule.
So yes, it was by no means a complete failure as an insult.
But there were failings too, such as:
- Forcing in the word 'excess' even while fully aware that the volumes mentioned clearly IMPLIED excessiveness, and I of all people know all too well that a cloud of implication shall always rain heavier than a solidly hurled brick.
- Use of the colloquialism 'you look
like', suggesting that my issue was implicit on a perceived appearance of something rather than genuine and well founded dose of real and truthful emotional reaction to actual actions that had taken place.
- Absence of swears.
So yes, there were failings, and if I'm going to be hornets, (the most honest of all sting heavy bugs) and I'd like to be, my underpants are surprisingly sweaty right now, and also the insult in question here was probably a B- at best.
Personally, in usual circumstances, I like to insult in the B+ to A- range. That's a heavy, cutting, and affective range.
Here's some advice: NEVER insault someone with a full A, and never, ever, ever even ATTEMPT an A+, the rest of your life you'll be known for nothing else. 'Hey look, it's Karl, the A+ insaulter, hey Karl!' And that's just a SMALL taste of the type of life your life will be destined to live.
Advice 2: That's obviously only if your name is Karl. If your name is anything else, Karly, for example, you'll be fine 'Hey look, it's Karly, the A+ insulter' is fine life to live.
But back to my insult. It's probably worth noting, not that it's significant to its rating, but I will point out that this particular insult also it didn't make any fucking sense what so ever. This is obviously irrelevant, given the situation. And frankly I only raise it because some people, not as completely versed in the insult game as you and I, may feel this is important, when in fact it isn't at all.
The point is, I'd been through an ordeal, I'd been slighted, I wanted payback, cause get this, this dick had just picked up a box of cereal at the grocery store, and this box of cereal was the EXACT SAME brand as I was considering buying! So now if I still wanted it I was going to look like a copycat, so that motherfucker didn't deserve ANY sense!!
But he DID deserve at least a B+ insult. And I failed.
So my next step was not just clear, but out of my hands really, I took a knife and applied it to his neck severing several key information distributing nerves.
I thought it was an A- attack in the moment. But it turns out by 'redistributing' his regular distribution of nerves to his various nerve centers, I turned him into a mythological creature, and now he gets to spend his time hanging with badgers.
I'm so jealous.