Tuesday, September 22, 2015
My sister - a poem
I couldn't find a bucket so as a substituted I used a bag of grasshoppers.
My salamander was pissed off because they were her dinner.
Which was a nice distraction from my sister who was pissed off and wanted to know why I was washing her car with bugs.
Just then a giant robot fountain came and bit my sisters head off and swallowed it in three mere chews.
This shocked me.
Because this was a fountain shaped like a huge bowl.
And bowls don't have mouths.
And fountains normally only consume water.
And my sister mostly drank juice and coffee.
And why build a robot fountain, surely the water will fuck up the robotics?
And how did I know it was 'giant'?
Fountains come in all sorts of sizes, this could have just been life sized.
And where was this fountain when I was looking for a bucket?
That could have been very useful.
And I wonder which was invented first, buckets or fountains?
And I bet it was buckets, but I wish it was fountains, cause I'd love to see the first guy slap his forehead when he realized that there could easily be a more useful and easy to create receptacle for water.
And when guys slap their girlfriends in the forehead with their dicks are they trying to manufacture an 'ah hah' moment?
And why did I just think of that, there was no need to add a hypothetical dick reference to a true story about my sister.
And why do people pose hypotheticals?
Why not just create detailed and controlled scientific studies and get accurate results?
Just then I realized why the giant robot fountain wasn't responding to these questions and statements.
Because I was only thinking them, not saying them.
And it didn't have ears.
And it was too busy eating the rest of my sister.
Just then a giant robot bath plug appeared.
'You've just met your match!' It cried.
'Wait I can do better' it added.
'Um, put down that partial human, or I'll plug you up! You know, like "fuck you up" but replacing "fuck" with "plug" cause that's what I am! No? Doesn't work? Okay, um' it added.
'Things are about to get a "hole" lot harder for you! You know, cause holes are what I block!' It added.
'I know, wait, I'm about to block you up, you bully! No fuck, that's terrible, I can do this I promise. I really should think of these before I leave the house, it's hard in the moment you know?' It added.
'Can I substituted "luck" for "plug", as in "you're shit out of plug"? No, cause I am a plug, that's stupid' it added.
'You're about to have the plug ripped out from under you! You know like "rug"? Shit' it added.
'Freeze, put down the girl or I'll plug you!' It added.
'Everytime a door closes a plug opens!' It added.
'I don't know, fuck. Look, put down the girl or I'll plug you! Yeah that's fine. I'll stick with that. So yeah!' It added.
'Sorry to tell you buddy, but I'm not a sink or a bath, I don't have a traditional drain, mine runs the length of the lip of my bowl' chimed in the giant robot fountain.
'Then why did you let me go on trying to think of a good, badass, pun based catch cry ?' Screamed the giant robot plug.
'I don't know I wasn't really paying attention, I'm eating dinner' the giant robot fountain replied.
And the plug was suddenly picked up by a giant robot toddler and hidden from its parents meaning it's giant robot mother didn't get her bath that night, leaving her irritable and cranky.
Something only exasperated when the toddlers giant robot father slapped her in the forehead later that night with its giant robot dick.
As I listened to them quarrel that evening - sample 'what the fuck man, are you trying to manufacture an "ah huh" moment? Cause that shit don't work on me' - something just didn't feel right.
The whole day had felt a little weird for some reason.
But then it hit me!
I sat bolt upright in my bed.
Slapped myself in the forehead.
And exclaimed 'I know why this is weird... I don't have a sister!'
Then I flushed my whining salamander down the toilet and went to sleep.