Monday, September 21, 2015
We've got Zippers Zippers Zippers
Hello, and welcome to Dave's big store of awesome things, but mostly zippers, sandwiches and monkeys, and we're out of stock of sandwiches and monkeys.
To be honest the monkeys ate the sandwiches and then had allergic reactions to them and died.
Now that I think about it they may have done us a favor. It turns out making sandwiches from things you find in the creek behind the pharmaceutical company is bad idea. But we didn't know? We figured anything dangerous and deadly would be in the pharmaceuticals themselves.
You live and learn.
Or die and get the authorities sniffing around your former owners, in the case of the monkeys.
Although the monkeys may actually done us a favor. It turns out that selling monkeys is illegal. We found that out when the authorities came
around and said 'do monkeys live in these monkey cages?' And we answered honestly 'no they don't' and the authorities answered 'good, cause selling monkeys is illegal'.
The point is we've got zippers.
We've got zippers, zippers, zippers.
We've got zip zip zipity zippers.
We've got zippers for day time! We've got zippers for night time! We've got zippers for earth dwellers. We've got zippers for mole people and tree folk! We've got zippers for EVERY occasion!
Got a big anniversary coming up? Sure you do, you're not a lonely loser? Well get him or her a zipper! A zipper let's your lover subtly know that you want to get to know him or her on the inside, which you probably should have done by now, but better late than never. 'What's this?' They'll ask. And you'll be able to say 'that's a zipper!' And they'll be able to say 'oooh la la, want to open me up?' Which is only slightly weird. That's an anniversary win!
Got a foe? Of course you do, you're not some loser adored by all. Next time you see them just whip the motherfucker with a zipper, they'll go 'what did you just hit me with?' and you'll be able to go 'a zipper!' And they'll say 'knock it off, that's dangerous' and you'll be able to say 'yet allowed on planes!' Boom, that's a foe DOMINATION!
But there are even more uses.
Lost in the desert with no food? Just eat a zipper!
Given birth in the back of a taxi? Just wrap the baby in a zipper!
Can't decide what to wear on that big job interview? Just wear a zipper!
Committed a murder? Just put the murder weapon in bag with a zipper and get a bit of fabric caught in it, the cops will NEVER spend the amount of time required to get that thing open, that can sometimes take up to two minutes! And now you're off Scott free!
Been murdered? Haunt your killer by following him around anytime he's carrying a full backpack and open zippers behind him, he'll keep thinking his stuff is falling out and sometimes think he may have lost something, that can be annoying, and occasionally even frustrating!
Is there nothing zippers can't help?
Dating an elephant? Get it a hoodie with a zipper and your elephant can tuck that trunk away and people will just think your dating a four footed overweight person!
Ever find you penis or (because we're not sexist and only thinking about the men) possibly even flappy vagina parts stumbling out of your pants at the worst possible time? Get a zipper to close up your pants!
Got a dog that keeps eating your wallet? Install a zipper on his belly and a second one on his stomach and that wallet will be yours again in minutes!
Yep there is literally no circumstance a zipper can't aid. Can't find your keys? Pick your lock with a zipper! Got no friends? Zipper to the rescue! Need more money? Open a zipper, sandwich and monkey store!
Going to come on down to Dave's big store of awesome things? Of course you are, you're not some zipperless loser. Well just for you, here's a limited time offer, buy sixteen zippers and mention this ad, and we'll throw in a seventeenth zipper free!
(Please note: offer not available to people who want to complain to us about our record with monkey keeping-aliveability - in fact keep up those complaints and you might find yourself whipped - with a ZIPPER!)