'That guy Kevin, he's shady' they said.They said this because Kevin had a reputation for being shady.
This was because everywhere Kevin went he carried a knife.
Although Kevin was adamant that the reason people called him shady was because he'd often say things like 'need shade? I got a knife I'll cut a tree down, build you a fire, make you some shade'.
It would have been a better ruse if he knew how shade worked.
Or how fire worked.
Or how knives worked.
Or how offers to strangers in need of shade worked.
Or if he didn't say it in an old-timey New Yorker criminal voice like from the old-timey pictures set places like Chicago.
Or if he didn't carry around a mink coat with a court ordered sign on it saying 'obtained through mugging at knife point'.
Or if the Reputiblesofrights, the people in charge of assigning and administrating reputations, could get off their fucking high horses, and give out a god damn reputation or two that aren't steeped in unnecessary metaphor.
Why not just say 'he's got a reputation as a guy who a carries a knife'.
You know what, next time someone gets stabbed just because they felt like they had gotten too much sun and would like a break, or relief, perhaps in the form of shade, let's blame them!
Fuck the Reputiblesofrights!
Anyway that's my rant for today.
I've been Dave.
A man with a reputation for 'occasionally unwittingly pissing off the WRONG people my friend, and often being too dumb to realize, how's that for no metaphor dick'.
Wait, I do NOT have that reputation.
What do you mean it's 'just been officially assigned?'
Please, please, nooo!
What he hell did I do?