Sunday, January 3, 2016

What I learned

What I learned by taking two days off blogging

Look, I'm no idiot. I'm not a moron. In fact I would say I don't even exist in the same species of those two monsters, I'm actually more closely related to The Moronic Idiotics, who were a tribe of miscreants that started a flawless new society that was epic in its ingenuity, other than the fact that they forgot to include a regimented eating schedule in their bi-laws, which lead to an afternoon food fight that caused six members of the community to storm out yelling 'this isn't what we signed up for!’ which lead to an score of other members questioning what they meant by 'signed up' seeing as this was 12852 BC and at the time the only signs were things like cave wall paintings saying 'you whacked her AND bonked her? Wow. Someone should come up with some definitions for those words soon, or we may one day be misremembered as a primitive, backward and barbaric society', and most of THOSE words had also yet to be given definitions, so signs were mostly ignored by all except the truly psychologically damaged, and what could that possibly have to do with flicking a spatula of Mac n Cheese at Glugle who THOUGHT he was well hidden behind the fish tank till he was cheesed, and macced, HARD?

So no, I'm no idiot; I'm just a normal average human. So when I, after blogging every single day last year, and around 400 straight days total, suddenly miss two days in a row, you just know some sort of perfect storm has hit. And not even a literal perfect storm, because if it had been one of those I'd have had to blog something along the lines of:

Hey storm, there's only room for one item of perfection in this here town, and I always sort of thought up till now that that item of perfection was the right side of my lower left upper thigh, and then you blow in all pretty, and wet, and grey, and just perfect, you motherfucker! Fuck you! What the hell am I supposed to do now? I've already paid off eighty-two percent of the credit card charge I accrued with twenty-seven dollars cash to fund the down payment for that right side of my lower left upper thigh, so I can't return it. And you've now killed twelve people, my right side of my lower left upper thigh has had weeks in place now and barely killed half that many! Fuck you! You fuck!

But I didn't write that blog, so it must be something else, something scary, something brutal, something monumental, something unavoidable, something actuarial, something marsipansial, something trilateral, and it WAS all these things, and even more, because that's right, what happened was that I decided to take a couple of days off.

Well the lessons I learned and the revelations I had during this two days were staggering, heartfelt and even tasteful, and included the following:

- I spent less time at my computer trying to think of what to write my blog about for those days.
- Time I instead spent eating chips.
- Chips made from vegetables grown in the ground.
- The ground being on what most buildings are stored.
- Buildings being where most people keep most of their secret computers.
- Secret computers being where most people keep secrets about computers they've accrued.
- 'Accrued’ being a word I think I misused in this very blog.
- Misused being something I didn't even intend to do, let alone tell anyone I was intending on doing that??
- Tell being something you pick to beat someone at poker.
- Poker being another excuse to eat chips!

Oh holy hell. Yep, I take a mere two days off blogging and a clear, secret, potato conspiracy has begun to run rampant. Which is the exact same thing mice do if you fill your house with cheese, mouse pheromones, and mice. I might be a moronic idiot. But even I know what this means - The Moronic Idiodics were not wiped out by bureaucratic infighting at all! This whole time they were just in hiding, and throwing the food fight story into the mix as a cover.

Time to get a survival bunker everyone. This shit could blow up any day. Just don’t store your bunker in the ground, because most of that already stores buildings.

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