The Photos Of #121DaysOfFit

Evil - A Poem

Kevin, a Personal Injury Lawyer, was sick of people thinking he was evil simply because he was a lawyer.

The constant anti-lawyer quips and jokes, snake analogies, the 'ambulance chaser' moniker, it had all worn him down.

It had gotten so bad that he was now without doubt in a deep and dangerous clinical depression, and living a life rife with insomnia, crying bouts and frequent thoughts of death. 

'You don't think I'm evil just because I'm a lawyer do you?' He said to Claire one day, with a quiver in his voice, and tears welling in his eyes.

Claire didn't know how to respond. 

She looked back into his eyes, for a moment. 

Then she timidly looked away, and began twiddling and fidgeting with her chains, before looking him back in the eyes and saying 'I can honestly say, from the heart, that in the entire fifteen years you've held me captive I've never once thought you were evil JUST because you're a lawyer'. 

And then... A poem

And then there were the soldier-crabs silent in the indignation at how the sandcastle opportunities were undermining the salvation scoundrels. 

And then there were the light mob outraged at the indecent need for holier than now majestic simpleton police.

And then there were the literalists who thought everything raised so far was bollocks and rubbish. 

And then there were the judges of the literalists who thought that the literalists should be barred from using such colonialisms as 'bollocks' and 'rubbish' although if they were honest, they were fine with 'rubbish' it was 'bollocks' that really bothered them.

And then there were the Scandinavians who, although they seemingly spoke excellent English, really struggled to understand what the hell 'bollocks' meant.

And there were the explainers who explained that 'bollocks' was slang for 'testicles' although also under the rules of slang variety could also mean such things as 'bullshit' or 'crap'.

And then there were the explainer's friends who were like 'I don't think that helps them at all, I mean "bullshit" and even "crap" are slang in their own regards.

And then there were the explainers again yelling at the explainer's friends with terms like 'well if you have a better way of explaining it then fucking use it fucktard'.

And then there were the PC police saying 'hey you can't say "retard" anymore'. 

And then once again there were the explainers saying 'I DIDN'T say "retard" you fucktard'.

And then there were the counters sating 'hey explainers, you've had multiple goes now, let the skim folk have a say'. 

And then there were the skim folk saying 'it's ok, no one knows what we represent anyway, and we'd hate to have to explain it'.

And then there were the explainers again saying acrimoniously 'oh, suddenly explainers are desired again'.

And then there were the counters saying 'I think you misinterpreted what the skim folk's real point of view was there'.

And there were the explainers saying 'oh look, who's had multiple turns now?'

And then there were the counters sating 'hey WE do the counting here'.

And then there were the explainers saying 'oh yeah, why, explain?'

And then there were the counters sating 'because we do the cou.. Hey you tricky motherfuckers. We see what you did there, you're the explainers

And then everyone laughed except the soldier-crabs who were all like 'fucking assholes, I thought WE were supposed to be the subject of this poem!'

An Answer - This One's Personal

Yesterday I was accused, by me, of possessing an unwillingness to answer a simple question - why do humans say 'I feel peckish'? - especially like when few of us eat worm more than a couple of days a week and that. 

Well fuck you me, I will answer ANY question, and with honesty, truthfulness, historic accuracy, scientific relevance, and even human efficiency, the forgotten efficiency.

So here is it, the origin story of using 'peckish' to describe hungry.  

Man was in search of a new term for the desire to eat. Sure there already existed a myriad of options, but over time problems began to arise among our favorites. 

'I could eat a horse' had lost favor when it was discovered that horse is a regular ingredient in dog food and glue, two things regularly eaten by precocious children. 'Can I have a pony?' Little kids would beg 'you ate one in art class' the reply would come. 

'I'm really, really hungry' had lost favor when it was discovered that it can come across as really, really whiny, I mean, what do you want me to do about it? If you're hungry go forage for fungi or kill a possum like everyone else.

'I'm starving' had lost favor, since it was discovered that parents had begun to reply to this with 'tell the kids in Africa that' and sometimes even add on 'how would you like to be a kid in Africa?' I mean my god parent, stop threatening to invent a parallel universe and just do it already, no one likes a fucking big mouth full of suggestions and no follow through, and make me a fucking sandwich!

Yes it was a difficult period in human existence, and difficult periods are most certainly times for new sayings. That's why so many popular sayings, ones we still use today, were invented during the Dark Ages, sayings like:

- 'Who turned the fucking light out?'

- 'Where are my keys?' And 

- 'Didn't toilets used to be a thing? I mean seriously, why the hell are we pooing in pots that we keep in the bedroom? Also what happened to my pet sabertooth? Don't tell me they don't exist anymore either? This is fucking bullshit!'

A new saying was demanded, and so a nation wide international competition of the country was launched to coin new terms, and the suggestions came in thick and fast and wide and throbbing. Some of the initial favorites of the judging panel included: 

- 'I want something coming in my mouth thick and fast and wide and throbbing'.

- 'Jam that thick sausage in my mouth'.

- 'I want you to fill me in every hole until I'm so filled up it reaches all the way to my tummy'.

- 'Put it in me, HARD'.

- 'I want my tongue tingling with your delectable quasi-liquid syrup'. 

- 'Cum on my face, no no no, in my mouth'. And 

- 'Put your penis, no that's NOT a metaphor for something else, I mean your actual penis, in my throat'. 

At this point it was discovered that mostly teenage boys were submitting suggestions, and the illiterate branch of the covent of the sisters of the BC era gods, picking suggestions at random, were perhaps not the right people to make the short list. 

Although, on a bright side, at least they'd never been able to read the suggestion - 'stick your cock in my cunt and then once it's all the way in slide the rest of your body inside them show me your best jazz hands'. I mean what kind of sicko comes up with that? Those disgusting teenagers. 

The project was shut down. As the motion was passed at the committee of idioms few thought it would ever be mentioned again. But 'few' were idiots. Moments after the gavel had been gaveled down on the gavel spot, a man casually said 'well that was a failure, who wants to get something to eat, I'm starving'.

'How would YOU like to live in Africa!' His mother screamed as she immediately burst into the room, and as her handbag rained blows on to his gradually caving in cranium the rest of the committee fought for the gavel in hopes of immediately gaveling it on the gavel spot to officially open a decree to gavel the gavel on the gavel spot to once again gavel open a mission for a new gavel sanctioned idiom search. 

This time they vowed to not out source the project, and to come up with the saying themselves. Swearing not to leave that room until a solution was found. 

Soon decades had passed. It turned out that few of these men had creative instincts, most had been hired based on their gaveling skills. Creativity they lacked, but dedication they did not. 

They began to consider the outside world non-existent, a destroyed wasteland in need of repopulation, repopulated with new ways to say 'I'm hungry' and also new children. Fortunately the mother mentioned earlier, had found caving in her sons head for his failure to think of the poor children of Africa, made her horny. 

They turned her into a baby machine, and did the same with her daughters as they came of age. Smart as the men were, the had gaveled the gavel several times on a decree to ban inbreeding, which was voted in at a gavel sanctioned vote of 42-1. The lone stand out being the original mothers nephew, Harry, who was also on the committee. 

'But the third generation are only like my second cousins once removed, or some shit, please fellas, I'm like the only one not getting any?' He begged years later, but by then the one gavel had been worn completely out by gaveling it down on the gavel spot for a myriad of gavel sanctioned decisions, so there was nothing they could do. 

Harry kept himself busy in other ways, mostly catching birds that had been flying into the hall through a hole in the attic. Over the years the birds became not just the main food source for the committee and their children, but also the main source of teachers for the young mothers on how to care for their children. And over time mothers vomiting into people's mouths became the main way everyone ate. 

One day, nearly a century since they had secluded themselves into the grand hall, a small boy, a great-grandson of one of the original committed members saw a bird pecking at the the body of his dead uncle and he casually exclaimed 'yeah, I'm feeling a tad peckish too'. 

'That's it, THAT'S it, that's the idiom we've been looking for! Grab the spare gavel from the draw in the desk and gavel it into the gavel spot and with it gavel a decree to gavel in this idiom as an officially gaveled idiom!' Screamed one of the elders.

'You've had a spare gavel the WHOLE time? I'll kill you motherfucker!!!!' Bellowed the now 132 year old Harry. But no one was listening. 

No they were pouring out into the streets, expecting to find an empty unpopulated wasteland, but instead finding a thriving world full of cars and planes and televisions. 

'I don't get it, I remember distinctly father telling us that they had officially gaveled on human life outside the hall to be forbidden until we come up with a new saying for the desire for food' said one of the committee members to another. 

'Me too, although I guess that does explain why we often heard people standing outside the hall doors saying things like "I wonder what's in there", oh and also that time a man walked in, then saw us eating from our daughters mouths and quietly back out' replied another.

'Yeah I guess, but it was gaveled, if you can't honor the gavel then what can you gavel?'

They soon found themselves in a restaurant called KFC, and asked at the counter for 'some bird please, and your finest ladies to puke it into our mouths?' 

'Get out' screamed the pregnant teenage behind the counter.

'But we're feeling peckish?' The two pleaded as they were escorted out by security. 

As soon as they were gone the people in the restaurant began mocking them, putting on upperclass British accents and saying 'I feel peckish gov'ner' and the new phrase was soon spread around the land, with the only amendment being that the word 'gov'ner' was later dropped when Arnold Scwatzernegger became governer if California and people discovered it was impossible to do an impression of a weird grand hall raised idiom committee member, mocked with an upperclass British accent, doing an impression of an Austrian attempting to sound more American, and the saying 'I'm a tad peckish' and its brothers 'I feel peckish' and 'I'm fucking peckish' fell into the states they are now, adored by people around the globe. Especially in Lithuania for some reason. 

And that ladies and gentleman is the completely true story of how that saying came into being. So suck on that me, I'm the answer genius, there is NO question I cannot answer! NEXT!

Exclusive: Important information on eating stuff

If I'm being completely honest, and I'd like to be, I feel like the situation warrants it, so I will be - I never actually WANTED to eat five pairs of scissors.

Now I know what you're thinking:

- Then why did you Dave? Huh? WHY DAMN IT? 

- How many pairs of scissors DID you want to eat? 

- Why would anyone want to eat ANY pairs of scissors? 

- All this talk of eating stuff has got me feeling peckish, got anything to eat?

- Peckish? What like a bird, when did humans adopt this bullshit term?

- Like I don't want to eat regurgitated worm alright.

- I don't swing that way.

- Although come to think of it, I could go a delicious bowl of beaks! 

I think before I address these concerns of yours, it would be valid to discuss what scissors are actually INTENDED to be used for, and for that we need to go back to the day they were invented, it all began with a simple conversation (cue flashback wavy lines): 

'I feel like cutting stuff'

'Yeah me too, I love cutting stuff'

'I cut the shit out of stuff'

'I cut stuff the way other people breathe, as in cutting stuff to me is as natural as breathing!'

'Yeah well I cut stuff easier than a duck takes to water, which is a more well renown saying for representing how easy stuff is to you, stuff like cutting stuff'

'Yeah but we're humans, and as a human I cut stuff better than any duck has ever cut anything!'

'Well I even out human cutting stuff you! Because I've even cut a human. It was myself, once accidentally, when I was trying to cut a shirt, which is a type of stuff, as am I' 

'Just to bring it back to cutting stuff as easy as breathing, because I just thought of a cool come back to that one, wait, did I say that one or did you? It doesn't matter, we haven't even been named, there may well be eight of us as far as anyone knows'

'Yeah but I think people probably assume there are only two of us' 

'Maybe we just THINK that because there ARE only two of us'

'Good point, but then someone could enter the room, and how would anyone know?' 

'Excellent point, but I really don't think anyone will enter the room' 

Suddenly a man entered the room! (And that's how you'd know fellas, I tell the readers that stuff) 

'Ah yeah, well I've been cutting stuff before I was even born, I even came out with a cut umbilical chord' said the third man, before retreating back out of the room.

'Oh fuck you, that's what I was going to say, you know when I said I had a cool come back to the breathing line? Like I've been cutting stuff before I was even breathing!'

'It's your own fucking fault, you were the one who tempted fate by saying you don't think anyone will enter the room!' 

'Wait, was that me?' 

'I don't know, I can't keep up with which of us is which'

'Well fuck you for not knowing'

'No fuck YOU for not knowing'

'You take that back or I'll cut you!'

'You take THAT back or I'll cut YOU!'

Suddenly a knife fight broke out, at one point they tried to thrust their knives into each other, but instead their knives got entangled, and magically two looping plastic handles developed, which was particularly cool as plastic hadn't been invented yet, and things magically appearing on things STILL hasn't been invented, and the two men discovered neither now held a knife, but they both held a pair of scissors. 

They knew immediately that this invention was ace, so they bolted out of the room to patent it, and both tripped and were stabbed in the heart by that pair of scissors. 

Right then the third man once again entered the room and grabbed the scissors out of their hearts, which sounds a tad physically illogical, but if you saw a drawing of how it went down you'd go 'oh right, THAT'S how that would look'. Of course you SHOULD be going 'oh my god, two dead men both stabbed in the heart by one pair of scissors, how sad, call a medic!' but it turns out you're savages. 

As the third man left the room with the new invention, he turned, and with badass charm intoned 'never run with two entangled knives with magic plastic handles'. 

As he was on the way to the patent office he suddenly slapped his forehead thinking 'that saying didn't WORK at ALL, I'm going to call these things Scissors, "never run with scissors" yeah, that's badass, I bet that will take off'.

Unfortunately he was holding the scissors as he did this, and he stabbed himself in the forehead. And as the cops used the jaws of life to get to his dying body, despite the doors of his car being unlocked and undamaged (jaws of life had just been invented and the the cops wanted to try them out) the man, bleeding and with scissors stuck in his forehead kept muttering 'just call them scissors, please just call them scissors, I need my quip, the one I said as I stole them from those dead guys? About not running with them? You know the one, I need it to sound cool'. 

The cop grabbed them, and took them to the patent office, but it turned out he hadn't heard the man's muttering, the jaws of life were noisy, so he instead named them after himself, and Traffic Cop Sergeant Scissors became a very rich scissor baron.

And that's how scissors were invented. (Cue flashback wavy lines to present time).

So now back to your queries on why I ate five pairs of them. 

Because of history, that's why I ate scissors. Clearly the baby, the one that wasn't born yet, you know in the story of the invention of scissors who came out having already cut the umbilical chord? Clearly he must have had access to scissors in that womb, therefore his mother must have eaten some, which sounds like it may be made up, and if that part of the story isn't true then maybe scissors have NEVER been invented! Spooky. So I needed to make sure scissors HAD been invented by eating some. 

And I ate five because they turned out to be delicious, and WAY smoother to swallow than your average prison toilet-bowl moonshine.

Oh and the digestion was fun right? I hear you yelling sarcastically. Well STOP yelling. Because yes it's wasn't fun, but it had a fringe benifit, the scissors began to dislodged the about ninety-two beaks that were stuck to the insides of my intestines, and it took five pair of scissors to get them all, so it was WORTH it!

I guess the lessons here are clear:

- No one, not even answer genius David Tieck, wants to address the 'why do we say I'm peckish?' question. For shame. Or even, 'got something to eat?' Which should be easy to answer. Weird. 

- Stop eating beaks for gods sake! They get stuck in your intestines. Do you want to have to eat scissors to dislodge them? DO YOU? 

- Stop drinking prison toilet-bowl moonshine for gods sake! It's not smooth, it's NOT SMOOTH DAMN IT! 

- Feel free to eat prison toilet-bowl regurgitated worm, mmm mmmm, that's stuffs GOOD! 

- Oh wait, I did have an answer to 'got anything to eat?' See above. And weirdness officially abated. Smiles for all.