I’m a fun guy

 

As part of my mission to become the most fun person alive - today I am going to be the most fun person alive! Hell yeah. 

And that’s a fact Mat, and if you don’t like it you need a better fact book, cause your fact book apparently doesn’t even have liking me having fun as a fact! What DOES it have - like stuff about hats? 

Hats go on the head? Stuff like that? 

Got a head, put a hat on it? Hats can also be on hat stands? This sort of thing? 

Hats are not mats, but in someways they are, like they are like doormats for your head, because if someone needs to wipe their feet, and the only option is your head, put on a hat first, and you’ll get less foot grot in your hair? 

Facts like that? Sounds like a pretty dang good fact book to me! Go you! You’re awesome! 

Ps. Head mats, now for sale at my Etsy story! 

Pps. Can someone please quickly set up an Etsy store for me? 

Ppps. Also, what’s an Etsy store? Some sort of store? I love stores. I buy stuff at them sometimes. This has all worked out great for everyone involved. Fun rules. 

The Billionaire — The Poem

Scotty, The billionaire

Was known for having a billion dollars*

On account of he had a billion dollars!

He quite enjoyed this

And he quite enjoyed living a life he quite enjoyed

So he decided he wanted to live forever

To stop aging he tried exercise, supplements, light therapy and even hoping!

But none of it worked, his body declined towards decrepit horror just like it did for the rest of us.

Then one day he had a brain wave that came right from his thinking part of his brain right into his recognizing he’d just thought of something part of his brain

‘Maybe I can use all this money to live forever on a computer or something ’ was that brain wave thought, and it now moved into his ‘worth a try’ brain part.

So as a final hurrah he spent his entire fortune on scientists nerds, computer nerds, computer scientists and nerd nerds, tasking them with figuring out how to upload his brain and all its parts, including any bits that may or may not be his soul, onto a computer.

And by blimey, it was money well spent, because this ragtag bunch of geniuses just went ahead and nailed it they did!

(Technically it was the nerd nerds that pulled it off, but the others ‘helped’)

And just as his heart began to give out, his lungs stopped sucking in air, and his spleen stopped spleening, his brain and the rest of the consciousness and bits, went ‘whoop’ deep into a computer.

Sixteen billion years later the sun finally burnt out and the computer holding his consciousness powered down. He whooped back out. He was a little sore from being in the same place for so long, and a tad groggy, but happy when he saw god, who was now welcoming him to the gates of heaven. Right through the front door.

(They didn’t have to open it, as he was just brain waves and shit).

God sat him down.

Shook his head

And said…

‘You missed out on 16 billion years of paradise you f’n drongo’. Seriously? You fucking idiot! Did you not even read the book I sent down?’

Scotty, took a moment to think about this, then asked.

‘Is that more wasted paradise years than anyone else ever?’

‘Yep’, replied God, ‘the only other billionaire that got even close was Elon Musk, who spent 14.2 billion years in a computer’.

Scotty, The billionaire

Now raised his hands in their air!

‘Woo hoo!’ He cried with joy!

I’m officially NUMBER ONE!

The end

*He was also known for popularizing rich guys not wearing ties to work! Thanks dude.

Another No Tie Guy 

Now THAT's a good practical joke - A Poem

Now THAT's a good practical joke - A Poem

Jerry, a misfit kid, from a washed up town, in the wastelands of nowhere important

Historically speaking at least

Was bored 

So he drenched a dung beetle in liquid amber goo

Then waited for it to dry hard into a solid wad

And hid it in the local natural history museum

“One day scientists might think it’s got dinosaur DNA in it and when they try to make dinosaurs they’ll just get more DUNG beetles” he thought to himself

Laughing heartily

Later on a diamond encrusted meteorite hit earth, and destroyed all living things

Except just a handful of humans, one of whom was Jerry

The survivors all bunkered down at the local history museum 

And were able to survive for a few weeks more by eating the few morsels of animal remnants the museum kept in jars, and things at the natural history museum

Things like old dead frogs, bald eagle eggs, two headed goat babies

The usual things

Near the end of it all, with most of the jars licked clean, Jerry watched one dude pick up the dung beetle wad

Ponder for a moment…

Then tear into the amber and eat the beetle whole

Jerry pissed himself laughing

It wasn’t EXACTLY as he’d envisioned this all going down

But it was still pretty funny

I pretended to be a woman on dating apps and here’s what I learned

I’ve always thought women had it easier on there, but oh boy.

Here’s what I learned

1. I got so many more matches than normal, just like loads of them.
2. But guys sure can be half assed with their first messages “hey”, “what’s up”, “nice tits” - I mean come on dudes, a bit of class please - write “breasts” or “knockers” please.
3. Some of them questioned whether my photos were real or not, which is not flattering at all.
4. And hardly any of them believed that I even was a 20 year old Scarlett Johansson who’d traveled forward in time to try and breed with future people.
5. Those that did believe either didn’t even want to breed with me right away or if they did they wanted to breed in their bunkers.
6. Half the guys I did meet up to shag didn’t want to wear a condom.
7. Some of them seemed to just want to use me for my Time Machine, and when I said “to go back and kill baby Hitler” they’d laugh and say “ha ha, close” and then they’d drape their naked bodies in this weird red, black and white flag, and chant in German and then say “by the time we surface from this bunker we’ll be kings, well not you, only men can be kings”.
8. Some of the guys were shorter than they said they were on their profiles! That’s messed up dude.
9. I didn’t even get pregnant, so all of those promises that “my seed is strong and pure” were lies too!

All in all it was a lovely and eye opening experience getting to see how the other half live, and I learned a lot. Plus in preparation I waxed off all my body hair and I just did a personal best speed on the local mega water slide. Hell yeah!

Nice "knockers" 

Follicle follies - A Poem

Follicle follies 

Clive was cast in the play just because they liked his hair

But when his hair won best actor at the Golden Theatre Awards and didn’t thank Clive in his speech 

He shaved it off in revenge 

The play never recovered after that 

In fairness the play was called The Heir to the Magical Hair of the Hairness Hair Society 

But also the play was awful

So there’s that too

Proof that hair does exist 

Oh Cocoonada - A Poem

Thomson lead Canada to freedom 

Later on he found out they had already had it for like ages 

He now regretted that two hundred and ninety years he’d spent in a cocoon

He had also inadvertently figured out how one could live forever though 

But he didn’t have the heart left to tell anyone

A poorly designed Cocoon 

Reanimated Robot Spider Corpses are a REAL thing!

Reanimated Robot Spider Corpses are a REAL thing! 

And what it means for you!

Science has done some great things in its brief history.

Consider these amazing things we would not have without science…

• The name “the sun”, for what previously was just “that big f’n hot yellow gas ball dealy”. Brilliant name. Simple. To the point.

• Medicines — but not just those — the idea to put the medicine in a tube, then attach a hollow needle to that and then use that to penetrate your skin and go right into your blood stream and/ or ass? Imagine that never existed. Now try to invent it yourself. You can’t. You’d be laughed right out of here, or worse, thrown out on your ass “there try sticking a needle in it now you phycho”

• Underpants that wick away sweat for gods sake — WICK it away! Someone had to both think of that AND make it! And just thinking of the word Wick is beyond most of us feeble minded folk, lets alone making something wick. And they did that and then put it in our underpants — genius!

So if your like me your constantly in anticipation of what science is going to do next.

So I know what you’re thinking…

"I hope I live long enough to reach the point where scientists have solved so many of the world’s ills that they have time to reanimate dead spiders and turn them into robots…"

Well fear not, if you’re reading this you HAVE lived that long! Congratulations!

Although you may not want to be alive anymore, because scientists are reanimating fucking spiders.

As bonkers as this clearly is. This is completely real, actually true and even totally factual.

https://www.npr.org/2023/10/18/1198908301/necrobotics-reanimating-spiders-ig-nobel-prize

No seriously.

Consider these fun spider facts:

• They are icky

• Some of them are deadly, especially if they bite you, or if you see one near a busy highway so naturally jump into traffic to get away from it.

• When they walk on you they do it with too many damn foots! Way too many foots.

• Just reading about this invention makes my skin crawl so much I’m destined to spend most nights this month waking up every couple of hours to fumigate my entire home.

• There are already way too many of them, so we sure as heck don’t fucking need dead robot ones too!

According to NPR the scientist in question here came up with the idea when noticing dead spiders in her lab dead, upside down with legs curled up, that were dead and thought “hmmm I bet I can do something with that, maybe make them less dead”.

Which begs several questions such as:

• Why were so many spiders even in her lab?

• Why were so many spiders DYING in her lab, I mean what else is she working on in there?

• Why upon finding out there were spiders in her lab didn’t she take a fucking flame thrower to them?

The answer to these questions means one of the following is true…

• Science labs are specifically designed as sterile environments to stop any contamination and even keep shit as small as Bactria from getting in or out, but spiders are getting so sneaky that they can f’n sneak in? That means spiders can probably now get in ANYWHERE!

• Or else said scientist must be working on something WITH dang spiders, and we already know she’s nuts, so the first thing she was doing with them, before trying to turn them into tiny deadly frankenspiders, was probably terrifying also.

• Or Scientists have forgotten how to make flame throwers!

At least one of these is true and they are all TERRIFYING!

It story also raises one other little question?

What the fuck would you use a robot corpse spider for?

The answer is apparently is that they could be used to “pick up fragile materials like wires and even other spiders”

OTHER Spiders.

OTHER SPIDERS!

Let’s just be real for a second…

• We already have things that can pick shit like other spiders up you stupid scientists. They are called vacuum cleaners.

• Any time I have ever seen a spider carry something’s it’s never been sometime useful.

• Why, because I’ve never seen a fucking spider carry ANYTHING — you’re thinking of ANTS dumbnuts.

So let’s be real — they are using robot spiders to collect other dead spiders to turn into more robot spiders.

The logical conclusion therefore is that there is ZERO chance that these scientists are not building a dead reanimated robot spider army.

I have one more question to ask:

How the hell did we as a society, addicted to our phones, doom scrolling, and conspiracy chasing, miss the fact that dead robot spiders are a real thing?

This should be the answer to any doubt over anything — do you think UFOS could be real? Did they fake the moon landing? Are half our politicians actually monkeys in skin suits? Is God real and currently vacationing as the black banana that’s still on your bench because hell even though you never have made banana bread, you might one day? Are the other half of our politicians’ aliens in monkey suits wearing skin suits? Should I get myself one of these skin suits?

Answer to these and all other questions is: Well reanimated dead spider robots are real, so I guess anything is possible.

Yet this story came out years ago and barely made a splash, caused no executive orders to be signed, and didn’t even lead to an increase in spider squishing ready footwear.

                                                                        Dead Spider Art

In conclusions

• God damn it, I hate spiders.

• 
  

• Please note, on the several articles I just read about this thing, not one of them mentions taking out any poison or venom out of the spiders before they drive them out into the public.

• 
  

• Remote control reanimated spider corpse racing is almost certainly coming to your local sports betting App soon — I say don’t bet on the daddy long legs, they look like they can run, but those things will lose at least one leg per lap.

• 
  

• If you are worried about things that might ruin everything about the world then there is a chance some scientist already invented it.

• 
  

• If you own something you can’t pick up without a reanimated dead spider robot to do it, do you really NEED it picked up?

So what’s next — use of reanimated giraffe corpses necks to use as pool noodles? Use of reanimated jelly fish corpses to use as um — floating goo?

The answer is clearly — yes.

Science is great.

Ps. Sorry for the blasphemy vacationing black banana god — I hope you make a delicious bread.

Can I get a reanimation too please