Friday, March 5, 2010

An asphyxiation nation compilation

I have an ‘assfixiation’ as in I want me penis in ass

Wait wait wait, stop that David, that’s terrible, rude, and totally unnecessary. Ok Dave, what if I talk about death, is that ok? I guess so David, if you must. Well I don’t ‘must’ I just fucking want to Dave. I said ok David, so shut up and fucking do it, ok. Ok.

If you really don’t want to do something a good way to express this to other people is to tell them you’d kill yourself before you’d do it. You know, I’d kill myself before I’d visit North Dakota in the winter, I’d kill myself before I’d kiss another dude, or I’d kill myself before I’d let doctor inject me in the eyeball.

Every time I hear someone use this term I always think the same thing, why aren’t suicide notes more interesting?

Sorry honey, for blowing my brains out all over the kitchen, but you know I always said I’d kill myself before I’d drink light beer, and I open the fridge and what the fuck do I find in there huh? COORS FUCKING LITE YOU BITCH!

On the news tonight a classroom of twelve year olds were showered with the blood of their teacher tonight after she stabbed herself in the neck with a letter opener, witnesses claim they heard a women scream REALLY SCREAM “I told you I would kill myself if one more of you kids asked me why I will ever need algebra in the real world!”

Suffocation must be a horrible way to die, yet apparently if you partake in this activity while masturbating as a guy at least you can have a fucking awesome orgasm.

So yes when it comes to sex, guys quite clearly got the rough end of the stick (no insertion joke intended). There are no multiple orgasm causing butterfly vibrators for us, we need a belt around our necks and a near death experience (please note bitterness here is also just me trying to put off the temptation to try it).

(Some other bitterness I had hear has been deleted for you pleasure)

I met a girl once who was breathtaking.

She was horribly ugly. Poor girl. Just ridiculously ugly, every part of her. No one ever found her attractive and it made her bitter. (Not like bitter like food which isn’t sweet or salty, but bitter in that angry I want to squeeze the world’s testicles way, you know bitter like I was above, I think you probably understand the sort of bitterness I am talking about, but I am still writing about it for some reason, stop it Dave, you’ll make your readers bitter, fuck you David, really stop this terrible ‘jokes’)

Over time she had had to suffer through hearing many men suffering to other women as being ‘breathtaking’, and this took her from being bitter to being really fucking bitter assed bitterousness bitter fucked. That’s some serious bitterness.

She made a big decision, she wanted to be breathtaking, and if she couldn’t be breathtaking in a so fucking good looking that guys would forget to breath while pre-cumming their pants way, then she would become literally breath taking.

So she began to track down any girl she heard being referred to as ‘breathtaking’ and then she would shove fucking vacuum nozzles down their throats, and as she sucked the breath from their lungs she would scream over and over again ‘how do you like being breath taking now you fucking bitch’.

In taking the breath of the breathtaking she found her way to become breathtaking.

But then something unfortunate happened. A reporter, not realizing he was being as poignant as he was, referred to the killing spree as ‘a breathtaking example of the modern revolt against the beauty worshiping media’.

It had happened, ‘oh fuck’ she exclaimed when she realized; she had been referred to as breathtaking in the more traditional use of the word. The very thing she detested!

There is only one thing to do, she reasoned, one possible solution, she needed to return the breath she had taken.

“But how?”

She abruptly asked herself one day out loud in public in public, so loud that it was audible to many people, and some of them looked at her funny, which got her all embarrassed and this made her forget what the question was she had just asked herself, the whole ‘but how’ dealy, so she put off answering this for a few days.

But then she suddenly remembered

“But how?”

She asked herself, this time just in her head, which made her feel proud of her self control. And in a rare moment of self loving she came up with an answer, she would give breath to those who had none.


She realized, saying it out loud in public, so loud that it was audible to many people, and some of them looked at her funny, which got her all embarrassed and this made her forget what the solution was she had just discovered, the whole ‘fish’ dealy, so she put off putting this plan into action for a few days, but then she remembered again, and put it into ‘hell yeah’ action.


She said in her mind when she remembered the plan.

So she went down to the docks with a fishing pole, and she would catch fish, inject them with oxygen, and then throw them back in. It was tedious but she was dedicated to giving the breath back and gave many fish oxygen over time.

But then the paper screamed (not literally, papers don’t have vocal chords and lungs, but she didn’t think of that when she was thinking of things which don’t have breath) ‘breathtakingly cruel monster is killing fish with air’ (turns out this particular journalist had a habit of using ‘breathtaking’ in headlines, this would one day lead to his editor calling him into his office and saying ‘hey mate, give the breathtaking a rest ok’ but that really isn’t part of this girls story).

She became confused. She was frustrated and hurt. She said ‘I’d rather kill myself than be called a cruel monster’ and never one to say something flippantly like so many other people she didn’t like she actually tried to kill herself while masturbating. And she was successful, because she didn’t use that self-asphyxiation belt around the neck thing, she instead stuck a dildo in her pussy then hacked her own head off with a butcher knife.

It really wasn’t all that sad though, because you know, she had been killing beautiful girls with fucking vacuum cleaners, and that’s really not all that nice

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