Friday, March 19, 2010

A recent experience I had

I was playing tennis recently.

Hell yeah I was playing tennis, I was ripping forehands so hard they could kill an Ox, you know because of the weak breast plates Ox have which make them prone to dying from being hit in the chest with an item made of rubber and covered in yellow fluff.

So I am tennising, and doing tennis like stuff, and getting my tennis on, and rocking the sport sometimes known as tennis, and then just by chance a fucking OX walked on the court. I know! What were the chances? The very animal that I knew I could kill by hitting them with the very ball I had in my hand! I know!

So I freak the fuck out, because this is an indoor tennis court, in Manhattan New York, and Ox are not native to Manhattan, or even the outer Boroughs! So something was now plainly clear to me, while I was playing tennis, and playing it fucking well as I may have already mentioned, clearly animals had taken over the fucking world! I know! (Is something Craig Ferguson often says that I wish I could stop stealing!)

The animals were in control now. It had happened, the very thing we all feared, which explains why we put them in jails called zoos, and I had to make a decision, either accept my fate and become the pet of a rabies ridden racoon, or fight back!

I am no fucking pet, so I decided to fight back. I looked around to see what I had in weaponry. A tennis racket – good, hard, yet with a bouncy side, good for hitting flying animals like birds, butterflies and Moose with birds glued to them! Three tennis balls – Wilson brand, good they maintain strength way better than Spaulding, although Spaulding maintain yellowness way better than Wilson, which is why they use them in tournaments, because TV requires hell yeah solid yellowness which maintains said yellowness for a hell yeah long time. That’s right, they worry about the audience at home’s enjoyment of the colour yellow way more than the quality of the game of tennis which is taking place in the tournament – damn you entertainment medium I enjoy immensely! (Little known fact: Spaulding isn’t actually a brand of tennis ball, I think).

So the world’s been taken over by animals, and I have three tennis balls to protect men, so I try to pocket them all, and it’s nothing short of a fucking disaster. That’s right, only two fit in my pocket! Holy fuck!

I had a fucking HUGE decision to make. Do I hold one ball in my hand or SACRIFICE a ball. The same question which has plagued mankind since some wise ass first nicknamed the testicular region ‘balls’ that filthy minded cunt.

Of course I needed this spare hand to dispose of the grenades the animal army was bound to throw at me. Then again I needed the tennis ball, I only had a tiny supply of weapons and giving one up at this time was nothing short of madness.

I sat down to think. More than think I fucking CONTEMPLATED! That’s some hard core brain activity dealy.

I was so deep in thought as a matter of fact, deep like a discarded mind shaft that is really fucking deep that someone once chucked a dead dog in, irony? Hell yeah it is! Deep I was, in that thought process humans do, so much that I totally missed it as the worlds foremost Ox wrangler, Billy – the Ox wrangler (yeah right, like I need to make introduction, he’s so famous if your reading this you’ve probably fucked him, and you were probably so overwhelmed that you don’t even remember, that’s right next time someone asks you ‘so like, I hate to pry and that, but um, um, um, you know, like, um, how many people have you, um, um, um, you know, had sexy naked time with he he he he he’ you better add one to your list, because you probably HAVE fucked Billy – the Ox wrangler (that IS his legal name).

Billy – The Ox wrangler came onto the court as I sat in deep CONTEMPLATION over whether the discard a tennis ball or hold the tennis ball and risk being blown up by a grenade a frog threw at me, and you better believe he wrangled that fucking Ox, and sometime after this I was ABRUPTLY (that implies an element of surprise, in case you were wondering about what I meant by my use of the word abruptly, although I used it in caps before which means it was also STARTLING!)

‘Are you fucking listening my tennis opponent type person’ someone was yelling at me. (I think some tennis playing tool?)

‘Who?’ I replied.

That’s fucking right, hell yeah the world had been taken over by fucking animals, and I STILL maintained by amazing, yet underappreciated sense of humour, I am that fucking good

‘It’s your fucking serve’ he yelled at me, in my contemplation I forgot I had been playing tennis with another person who was still here, that’s what contemplation does to people!

‘Animals have taken over the fucking world’ I screamed back at him

Then for some unknown reason he walked away shaking his head. Are you mad, we may be the only two humans left free from the animal slaughter, we must stay together, alone we are sure to be eaten by ravenous prairie dogs.

Now here is where things get weird. I got all my strength and hope in a bowl of mind cereal I call courage and made the decision to walk outside of the tennis club, and face the animals once and for all, and it turned out that animals HADN’T taken over the world. What were the fucking odds?

In fact some ass had just brought an Ox to a tennis club (if he had brought as Ass instead of an Ox this last sentence may have been ironic, but it ISN’T – I know!)

So people reading this now, I implore you, if you too are still in hiding, fearing the animals have taken over the world, as I was for three weeks in this surprisingly underutilized tennis club, before I got that mind cereal dealy, it’s ok to leave. Trust me. People still keep pets like dogs which have been known to shit in their beds, but apparently that’s ok!

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