Saturday, May 1, 2010

Clearly I have been a total prick

Because I completely forgot these questions and suggestions posed to me ages ago. Time to correct this farcical culumbdumiam of mine.

1-Something new you learned lately, I dunno, like what I just learned.

Hmmm, I am always on the learning curve, in fact I am a lover of curves, turning curves in my car, even though I dont have a car, throwing curve balls, even though I don't know how to, the curves of a woman, even though I don't get to enjoy them anywhere near as much as I would like to.

Actually, fuck that, I am no fan of curves at all. I just WISH I was a fan of curves.

Curves is also the name of the GYM which only allows women, what the hell is the deal with that? The biggest motivating force that gets me to the gym is the thought of perving at girls getting all sweaty and putting their bodies in weird uncomfortable positions. It makes me think of enjoying exploring her curves. And that it is a curve lesson that should never be forgotten. Don't women want to watch those pretentious assholes that check out their own abs in the mirror while at the gym and remind themselves that although they probably love nice abs on a guy that it isn't worth it if the guys that have them are that self involved, only to immediately forget it when the guy in the bar with the great 6-pack starts chatting to them at the bar?
Silly silly curve ladies.

In fact my favorite thing about curves is that they are the opposite of a straight line and a straight line is the shortest distance between too points, which makes curves way less obsessed with just getting their the quickest, stop and enjoy the ride motherfuckers.

Or, yeah, spill some more manly secrets

Were all mere scared little boys inside who just wish to be held, oh wait thats just me. Hmmm manly secrets. Here is one I should never tell anyone anywhere on earth, so the internet will do. If I haven't had an orgasm for a few days, and then I use the bathroom in the number two style, sometimes it cums out...... wait wait wait stop that David, leave the odd thing to the imagination, for once you might be right Dave.

It has been coming more and more to my attention recently that I am so far from the normal male that I may no longer be able to speak for my sex. I am also so far from being a normal human that I may stop speaking for those people type dealies too, but oh well, my alien friends are still ultra cool.

2-Any cock-blocking stories? (sorry, I have sons, they think this subject is hilarious--they send me YouTube links)

I'm so cool and hip that I just had to google the term to make sure I knew what it meant. Ah cock-blocking. The key to not being cock blocked is to have a group of friends with a basic moral code. Simple rules, whoever meets the girls gets first choice, if his choice wants one of his friends bad luck for said friend, he should have met her first. Unless the guy that met them finds success with another of the girls, in which case he has non-verbally given his permission. But still, no boasting allowed after, only thanks. If your in a bar and you see a girl you like, you have first dibs as long as you make the move first, if you ask a friend to do it then they are allowed to proceed with your choice, although a good friend still wont. Never hit on a girl who is with another guy. Always assume boyfriend until they have given decisive evidence that this is false.

Fuck me, just reminding myself I need a wingman in this town stat, no wonder I have not being getting even close to any action.

Um, cock-blocking. I have never done it, and anytime someone who is acquaintance of mine has done it to me or anyone else they have ceased to be my friend.

That's the real manly lesson, many of us have a strong moral code, even when it comes to causal sex or just chasing girls. We have it because if we didn't we'd just kill each other. For the most part it goes unspoken, but it is there.

The lesson is, if you see a guy you want, go after him, because if his friend sees you first he may be morally unable to ever do it. Also if you see a guy you like, pawn your friends off on his friends, in the words of snoop dog "it aint no fun if the homies dont get none'

3- Craig Ferguson or Conan O'Brien or ________?

These are two heroes of mine. Conan because his writing and twisted take on the world is just incredible, and the way he explores when doing remotes is something I very much hope to replicate one day.

Craig because he is so free and natural, most of his show is improvised so he is completely in the moment. When I reach this level of freedom I will become a great comedian, until then I will just watch him with joy.

More to come tomorrow :)

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