Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Listen to this please

Most history books don't cover this, which is a shame on the historical community, but before mufflers were officially muffled they were actually some of the biggest talkers in the world.

A muffler once gave a speech in Ancient Rome that went for a hundred and twelve hours and with out a single toilet break, by the end he was merely listing things he knew could never fight each other in the Colosseum and yet he would like to fight regardless. This included a midget fighting a Slumper (an ancient cutlery devise used to pry the meat off the pig as it roasted over the fire - they stopped using them when they realized that sixteen prongs really was over-kill) and also an obese man fighting a hippopotamus (at that time the obese were primarly fed to lions to give them the taste for human flesh).

Another time a Muffler was asked for directions to the post office and the poor lost fellow was subjected to detailed directions but also a concise bio of the architect of the building and a dictation of the history of the postal services (this last bit wasn't so long given that the concept of delivering mail had only been invented a few days earlier). The man also was told just how builders went about constructing the huge columns they put in front of buildings. This information was of course lost when mufflers were muffled and then cruelly attached to the bottom of cars, not only ruining a great species and the only living talking metal species, but also rendering most buildings column-less and boring.

Mufflers unfortunately on the other hand (a term mufflers despised seeing as they had no hands) were not just wells of information, they were also vicious liars and rumor mongers (amongst the many lies mufflers told over the years was that they coined the word monger when in fact it was actually coined by a small Peruvian boy while trying to order Mongolian Bbq take out).

Mufflers were responsible for some of the worst rumors and lies ever told

- it was after a Muffler told an Englishman that rats were fun to lick that the black plague broke out
- it was a muffler who started the rumor that women were allowed to say no to sex leading men to start seeking world power, and you know starting all those war dealies
- Jesus? You better believe that was a another Muffler rumor (Buddha on the hand was real. His rise to spiritual leader was inspired by the fact a lion had refused to eat him, making people think he was magic. His jolliness on the other hand, yep, you guessed it - merely a muffler rumor. He was actually a sadistic serial killer and his justifications about reincarnation at the time were considered silly in the way 'the dog told me to do it' is joked about today.

One rumor never attributed to the Mufflers, yet one I personally suspect were all over it (I was going to say had their finger prints all over it, they don't have hands David! Ha ha, sometimes you can be silly) was the rumor that you can wish upon a star - this is NOT FUCKING TRUE. Ever since this rumor was begun wishes have gone wasted on non-wish granting entities and this is just the kind of evilness that was at the very heart of the Muffler rumor mongering society.

The point is with electric cars becoming more and more the rage we have reached a time in the world where Mufflers may no longer be part of the auto-community and therefore Mufflers may be freed from their muffling and you better believe they are going to have a lot to say, and if you only listen to one thing this week, listen to this - don't listen to the mufflers, they're often really, really mumbly and that can be annoying to listen to.

Ps - did you listen to that? Awesomenessous - It's hard to hear the written word - I'm super proud of you :)

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