Wednesday, September 15, 2010

An easy way to a super fun evening

I walked out into the street and looked up at the sky. It was not quite a full moon, but it would be within the next couple of nights, and I couldn’t wait. I mean waiting would be pretty stupid; it was going happen whether I stood and waited regardless, so what kind of moron would wait. I honestly think if you COULD wait I’d question your sanity. That should be like the first test they ask someone in therapy:

‘Looking forward to anything?’

‘Yes my nana is getting out of the hospital soon’

‘Can you wait?’

Answer one

‘No I can’t wait’


‘That is perfectly normal

Answer two

‘Yes, I plan on waiting right outside her door’


‘It’s your nana, not your wife, you’re really creeping me out man’

The moon was big that day. I have never quite figured out why the moon is different sizes, are we closer to it at some times? And if so why doesn’t the gravitational pull make it so we start floating around, cause that would be cool. We’d be all like floaty and that, and people would be like, whatcha up to, and you’d be all like floating man, and they’d be like me too, it’s really creeping me out man’.

‘Dave?’ I said to myself, to distract myself so I wouldn’t burst into tears from the knowledge that I would never get to float.

‘Yes David’ I replied

‘When you pull your pants down and show your bum to other people, why do they call that mooning them? It doesn’t looking anything fucking like the moon, the moon doesn’t have a big line down the middle for one thing, and if it does have cheeks they aren’t soft, yet firm and remarkably fondleable!’

‘I don’t think fondleable is real word David’

‘Of course it is, anything you can do you are able to able, readable, likeable, murderable, unconstitutionable’

‘Now your clearly just making words up, ‘likeable’, yeah right’

‘You are so unlikeable when you nitpick like this’

‘That’s another thing, what the hell is a nit, and how do you pick it?’

‘A nit is like a useless or minor thought and you pick it when you won’t let it drop you nitwit’

‘Ok, but wit is having a speedy ability to find the humor in something, but to pick is bad, like pick your nose or pick a scab, how can nitwit and nitpicker both be insults!!’

‘Picking isn’t always bad, what about picking up a copy of that new book you wanted, or picking up your friend at the airport, those are perfectly positive examples of positive picking!’

‘So you want me to pick you up at the airport, is that what you are getting at, trying to pick at my soft spot so I end up the bad guy if I don’t’

‘I am ‘you’, you nitwit, how the hell can I pick myself up at the airport’

‘Shut up Dave’

‘No you shut up David’

‘Wait, am I Dave or David, I haven’t been paying close enough attention to the order of our conversation’

‘Actually I don’t know, I haven’t been paying attention either’

‘That’s so typical of you’


‘Not paying attention!’

‘Fuck you, you didn’t pay attention either, you always do that, shit on me for doing something you do too’

‘Why are you always so bloody defensive’

‘Screw you Davey, yeah I said it, Daaaavvveeey’

‘You’re so immature’

‘Oh I’m immature, I’m immature, maybe I’ll pull your pants down and show everyone your penis, how immature would that be’

‘That’s your penis too you know’

‘I know that, actually part of me kind of wants to show everyone my penis, you know, just so people know, remove the mystery and things suddenly become more accessible’

‘You and your weird theories’

‘That’s not a theory. A theory is an untested idea in which the outcome could go in different directions, mine is a minority desire which I may or may not act upon one day’

‘Fuck, fucking off’

Just then a man walked past

‘Are you ok sir’? He asked

‘We’re trying to look at the moon here, you nitwit, go bother someone else’

He walked away looking confused and for some reason said 'you're really creeping me out man', and Davey and I talked on into the night.

It was the best nearly full moon ever.

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