‘It’s been delayed a week’ she said to me on the phone.
And with those words, profound and powerful, yet unfortunately true. I was left with nothing else to do, but attempt to do something profound and powerful, and hopefully true, but not necessarily, because truth is so fucking overrated. I mean consider this:
Hitler? - TRUE
Globes made of helium that tastes like victory? - NOT TRUE
Erectile Dysfunction? - TRUE
Donkey wizards that visit children with boo boos and give them bottomless coasters? - NOT TRUE
Deadly spiders that sometimes live under toilet seats in Australia? - TRUE
True Love? - NOT TRUE
See! ‘NOT TRUE’ can be better than ‘TRUE’, or worse, depending on your relationship status and how that affects your need for coasters.
I for one am guessing that if you’re in a loving long term relationship you need MORE coasters than if you’re sad and alone. Because there are two of you to use coasters. And because you’re probably trying to impress each other with your coaster skills.
Yet kids with boo boos are never in loving long term relationships because for some reason that is creepy (the ‘some reason’ is that it is ‘really creepy’, and ‘immoral’, or both, up to you). And kids are the very ones in possession of bottomless piles of coasters in this scenario, which is PROOF once and for all that ‘TRUE’ love is not just a myth but a genuine impossibility.
But this is not a story about my flawless ability to prove things once and for all in profound and powerful, and unfortunately true yet undebatable ways, no this is a story about something being delayed for a week. Yes, A WEEK!
A week when I could have used this thing, or even ignored it finding myself too lazy to cut the box open after it became clear after two seconds of looking that once again I could not find my goddamn scissors! That’s how profound and powerful and unfortunately true this story is.
When that sentence was said to me ‘it’s been delayed a week’ I was like ‘awww man’ and then I was off like a rocket! By which I mean my feat were on fire because the room had been flooded with lighter fluid and someone had just dropped a match that had been lit on FIRE!
I guess in hindsight this made the delay of the package a blessing in disguise because had my thing been delivered it would have burned in the fire that burned my house down that some bastard did to me merely because I convinced his wife there was no such thing as true love causing her to divorce him and bang his brother and father and uncle and son, which frankly says more about her than me if you ask me.
The point is my box of coasters didn’t show up this week and I was going to put a glass of beer on one of those and without them I had to go to a bar to put a glass of beer on a square of sponsored cardboard, and a bar is the most likely place a person will meet the person they will fall in true love with.
Not fuck that, it’s the ONLY place you can fall in TRUE love, from what I have been told, and yet this did not happen to me. Goddam it.
My plan is to go out and comfort myself by going out and purchasing a globe filled with helium that smells like victory. They better not fucking be ‘sold out’ or even worse ‘not exist’ or I’m going to really fuck up some marriages.