Saturday, June 30, 2012

At the bar

I was at the bar of a bar tonight, trying to buy drinks, because I like to support local businesses, and frankly because it's heroes like me that keep the economy working at all, yet where is our key to the city? Plus why a key to the city, why not a key to my storage room in Sydney? I lost that six months ago and there are things in there various people really need to get out at some point.

As I approached the crowded area near the congregation of people, there was a girl sitting at the very, very packed bar area who motioned with her finger for my face to get close to hers so she could ask me why the lady on the bar doing hula hoop was so sexy.

I didn’t know the answer to this question so the conversation stalled in an awkward silence, long enough for her to get chatting with another man for a while, and then she turned to me and asked ‘do you know this guy, because he is a total asshole’.

I said ‘I don’t know him, I am just, you know, um, trying to get a beer, sorry’ because I know just the right words to entice any lady, and my curt awkwardness resulted in her using her feminine charms to get me my economy saving, you're a hero Dave, beers licitly split.

I thanked her warmly and, failing to think of anything interesting to say, I stood looking at her silently for a moment or two and told her I needed to deliver the extra beer I bought to my friend who was waiting, that may well stop the local economy from completely collapsing, and my economy saving and suave demeanor caused her to use her finger to motion my face to hers again

 I knew what I had to do, I made a move, and I kissed her on the cheek.

She wasn’t satisfied. She said out loud 'no no' and then motioned my face to hers again. Clearly she wanted me to meet her parents, but I wasn’t willing to do that, but I was willing to offer slightly more than a kiss on the cheek, so I gave her a light kiss on the lips.


Turns out she actually wanted my ear near her mouth, in this crowded, noisy bar, just to tell me her name.

My humiliation was swift and obvious to all who witnessed, despite her shock mostly overwhelming her anger in the short term, and resulting in a part playful, mostly vengeful chew out for my disgustingly aggressive ways. So I slinked off red faced, back to my friends, and she turned back to the asshole and said ‘well in comparison you don’t seem so bad now’.

The point is this, I used to drink half a bottle of scotch for a warm up, before even going to a bar, how did I get to the point of being such an alcohol light weight I can now make an embarrassing fool of myself after literally only one beer?

Also, the jokes on her - from the tingling adjacent to my right lip I know I'm going to wake up tomorrow with a zit like a grapefruit so her disgust cost her the chance of waking up next to TWO sexy beasts!

Update: I just got home, she wouldn’t have needed to wait till tomorrow; she got a full show of zittown tonight. Now I am really confused. Was she just trying to steal my keys?

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