Today was the best day of my life I do so
declare. Something awesome happened to me today. I was at the shops, and it was
Christmas Eve. I wasn’t Christmas shopping though; I was just there because I
like to be anonymous in big crowds. Actually you can scruff the word anonymous
right from that sentence, I like crowds period. I don’t know why. I don’t like
lots of people per-se. I don’t dislike people either. I like to people watch. I
like it when lots of people are going in one direction and I am going in
another. I like eating in food courts and reading a paper or a book. I like
shit, shut up, okay.
So I was at the crowded shops and just walking
around, listening to the awesome and epically underrated Chinese Democracy by
Guns n Roses, to drown out the awful xmas music. And I found myself by chance
passing the sock section.
Now, over the past couple of weeks I have several
times thought to myself - ‘I need to get some new socks, next time I am at the
shops and near the socks section I should grab them, socks that is, not the
shops, and by grab I mean purchase, I am not a criminal I am not going to
fucking steal them, why do you even have to bring that up, you were thinking of
stealing them weren’t you, no I was fucking not, I haven’t stolen a thing in
over twenty years, at least intentionally, ok what the fuck does that mean,
intentionally? Have you been stealing stuff and blaming it on me, your
sub-conscious, wait I’m not your sub-conscious I’m your regular conscious, your
above water conscious? Is that what sub means? Underwater? Submarines are
underwater, well not always, sometimes they are above water, or at least
floating on it, wait nothing ever really floats ON water, because there is
always at least some part of the floating thing submerged, there’s that word
again, sub, and it’s underwater again, holy fuck, I think I just figured out
why the sub-conscious hides all the dark, messed up, twisted, forgot, blocked,
and filthy parts of my existence, some cunt has tried to drown my memory!!!!
But who??? I better write a list of suspects!’ – you know, just your average
thought process.
Then today I was in the very same sock
section that I had foreseen, and I realized now was my chance, I could buy the
socks that I so desired to complete my mission of new sock purchase, allowing
me way more time to one by one track down and interrogate the six hundred and
forty eight main suspects I have listed as most likely to have tried to drown
my memory. But then I thought ‘nah it’s the day before Christmas, the person
that sells them to you will think that you are buying them as a present for
someone, which would be a lame present, and then the check out person will
think I am lame, and what happens if they end up being someone who I run into
on a future day when I have just been stabbed in the leg, leaving me a lame
duck, down for the count, and in desperate need of help, and then I will call
out to this person, and they’ll say “you’re a lame duck, and a lame gift giver,
don’t drag me down into your lame spiral of shame”, and then I will have to
explain to them the realities of probability, and how the rule of threes when it
comes to bad things is probably a myth as spread by the Chinese Triad, who have
a vested interest in the number three being feared, and this explanation will
take a considerable amount of time, and during this I may well lose a lot of
blood’.
But then I thought ‘screw it’ and bought the
socks anyway. And as I made the purchase the lady behind the counter remarked
‘buying yourself socks’, having correctly made the very intelligent assumption
that someone that looks as beautiful and as sound of mind as I, would be
perfectly comfortable buying something for myself, even on this day usually
dedicated to the buying of products for others.
Then I made a terrible joke about needing
to freshen up my sock collection, that in hindsight was not so much a joke, but
a false declaration of my feet being stinky, which embarrassed everyone
involved, and made the lady behind the counter add me to her list of suspects
most likely to be the cause of her future brain hemorrhaging, and I went home
proud of my achievement. In sock purchasing that is, not killing that lady,
unless it turns out she was the one who tried to drown my memory! Holy shit, it
makes sense, cause if she was on my list, then sold me socks, then was the one
who dunked my memory underwater that would be THREE times I’d encountered her.
Holy fuck, I think the triads might be
about to steal Christmas – RRRUUUUNNN!
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