Today was the best day of my life I do so declare. Something awesome happened to me today. I was at the shops, and it was Christmas Eve. I wasn’t Christmas shopping though; I was just there because I like to be anonymous in big crowds. Actually you can scruff the word anonymous right from that sentence, I like crowds period. I don’t know why. I don’t like lots of people per-se. I don’t dislike people either. I like to people watch. I like it when lots of people are going in one direction and I am going in another. I like eating in food courts and reading a paper or a book. I like shit, shut up, okay.
So I was at the crowded shops and just walking around, listening to the awesome and epically underrated Chinese Democracy by Guns n Roses, to drown out the awful xmas music. And I found myself by chance passing the sock section.
Now, over the past couple of weeks I have several times thought to myself - ‘I need to get some new socks, next time I am at the shops and near the socks section I should grab them, socks that is, not the shops, and by grab I mean purchase, I am not a criminal I am not going to fucking steal them, why do you even have to bring that up, you were thinking of stealing them weren’t you, no I was fucking not, I haven’t stolen a thing in over twenty years, at least intentionally, ok what the fuck does that mean, intentionally? Have you been stealing stuff and blaming it on me, your sub-conscious, wait I’m not your sub-conscious I’m your regular conscious, your above water conscious? Is that what sub means? Underwater? Submarines are underwater, well not always, sometimes they are above water, or at least floating on it, wait nothing ever really floats ON water, because there is always at least some part of the floating thing submerged, there’s that word again, sub, and it’s underwater again, holy fuck, I think I just figured out why the sub-conscious hides all the dark, messed up, twisted, forgot, blocked, and filthy parts of my existence, some cunt has tried to drown my memory!!!! But who??? I better write a list of suspects!’ – you know, just your average thought process.
Then today I was in the very same sock section that I had foreseen, and I realized now was my chance, I could buy the socks that I so desired to complete my mission of new sock purchase, allowing me way more time to one by one track down and interrogate the six hundred and forty eight main suspects I have listed as most likely to have tried to drown my memory. But then I thought ‘nah it’s the day before Christmas, the person that sells them to you will think that you are buying them as a present for someone, which would be a lame present, and then the check out person will think I am lame, and what happens if they end up being someone who I run into on a future day when I have just been stabbed in the leg, leaving me a lame duck, down for the count, and in desperate need of help, and then I will call out to this person, and they’ll say “you’re a lame duck, and a lame gift giver, don’t drag me down into your lame spiral of shame”, and then I will have to explain to them the realities of probability, and how the rule of threes when it comes to bad things is probably a myth as spread by the Chinese Triad, who have a vested interest in the number three being feared, and this explanation will take a considerable amount of time, and during this I may well lose a lot of blood’.
But then I thought ‘screw it’ and bought the socks anyway. And as I made the purchase the lady behind the counter remarked ‘buying yourself socks’, having correctly made the very intelligent assumption that someone that looks as beautiful and as sound of mind as I, would be perfectly comfortable buying something for myself, even on this day usually dedicated to the buying of products for others.
Then I made a terrible joke about needing to freshen up my sock collection, that in hindsight was not so much a joke, but a false declaration of my feet being stinky, which embarrassed everyone involved, and made the lady behind the counter add me to her list of suspects most likely to be the cause of her future brain hemorrhaging, and I went home proud of my achievement. In sock purchasing that is, not killing that lady, unless it turns out she was the one who tried to drown my memory! Holy shit, it makes sense, cause if she was on my list, then sold me socks, then was the one who dunked my memory underwater that would be THREE times I’d encountered her.
Holy fuck, I think the triads might be about to steal Christmas – RRRUUUUNNN!