Wednesday, December 24, 2014

The Best Day of My Life celebration - my Xmas morning

Best day of my life celebration - my xmas morning 

I had an amazing xmas morning. Here is my live commentary as it happened: 

- I just woke up - it's Xmas morning!! 

- I heard talking in my living room this morning. Do you think Santa was here? 

- Or do you think the ghost parrot I keep locked in my laundry finally realized it can fly through doors? 

- Ok, I think Santa WAS here. Because someone who's been eating milk and cookies got sick in my wok! 

- Oh, yuck, it turns out someone got milk and cookie sick in my guitar holes too - the F holes. That takes precision!

- Oh crap, there's sick in my jacuzzi too! Although based on the bikinis left here it may have been groupies skinny dipping. 

- There's a reindeer passed out on my porch, someone's drawn a dick on his face, although looks more like a donkey dick than a reindeer one.

- Starting to think Santa had a party in my house! 

- My trees missing but someone left a note saying 'headed for an emergency X-ray, I'll return the tree tomorrow' 

- There's white pubes all over my toilet bowl, in my kitchen sink, and for some reason all over my honey jar. 

- There's blood in the bag of baby spinach in my fridge. Red and green, very festive. 

- Looks like the booby trap knife attacker and hiding bandaids in the salad has worked out to be as in the spirit as I hoped.

- My xmas stocking is gone, and in its place a used condom has been staple gunned to the mantel.

- I just remembered I don't own a staple gun, me thinks I've figured out what my first present is! 

- Fuck, there's a kid in the laundry screaming 'yaaayy, Santa brought me a ghost parrot'.

- Screw it, I don't need my place enough to deal with this kid, I'm off to the family snowdrift tent city.

- Christmas stands for a mass for Christ, this year I'm trying mass gravitas, gotta be better than last years mass hysteria. 

Have a nice day everyone. And remember to enjoy it, you can hose down the reindeer poop tomorrow! 

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