I had an amazing xmas morning. Here is my live commentary as it happened:
- I just woke up - it's Xmas morning!!
- I heard talking in my living room this morning. Do you think Santa was here?
- Or do you think the ghost parrot I keep locked in my laundry finally realized it can fly through doors?
- Ok, I think Santa WAS here. Because someone who's been eating milk and cookies got sick in my wok!
- Oh, yuck, it turns out someone got milk and cookie sick in my guitar holes too - the F holes. That takes precision!
- Oh crap, there's sick in my jacuzzi too! Although based on the bikinis left here it may have been groupies skinny dipping.
- There's a reindeer passed out on my porch, someone's drawn a dick on his face, although looks more like a donkey dick than a reindeer one.
- Starting to think Santa had a party in my house!
- My trees missing but someone left a note saying 'headed for an emergency X-ray, I'll return the tree tomorrow'
- There's white pubes all over my toilet bowl, in my kitchen sink, and for some reason all over my honey jar.
- There's blood in the bag of baby spinach in my fridge. Red and green, very festive.
- Looks like the booby trap knife attacker and hiding bandaids in the salad has worked out to be as in the spirit as I hoped.
- My xmas stocking is gone, and in its place a used condom has been staple gunned to the mantel.
- I just remembered I don't own a staple gun, me thinks I've figured out what my first present is!
- Fuck, there's a kid in the laundry screaming 'yaaayy, Santa brought me a ghost parrot'.
- Screw it, I don't need my place enough to deal with this kid, I'm off to the family snowdrift tent city.
- Christmas stands for a mass for Christ, this year I'm trying mass gravitas, gotta be better than last years mass hysteria.
Have a nice day everyone. And remember to enjoy it, you can hose down the reindeer poop tomorrow!