Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Best Day Of my Life Steeliness - epitome and exemplification

Today was the best day of my life, and for really clear reasons. Today I missed a train! Yay.

Well ok, that’s not that unusual. And actually when I think about it I didn’t miss the train. I got on a train. It wasn’t the first train I saw. It was the third in fact.

Holy shit a huge cockroach just crawled onto by desk as I am writing this. At first I thought it was a big ass spider, in which case I would currently be dead, from jumping so high I smacked my head on the ceiling till I was DEAD! Which makes no sense because I didn’t jump when I actually saw it, and at the time I thought that I had seen a spider, and proceeded investigated to see what it actually was, thinking it was probably a spider. The point is I am a goddamn hero, brave beyond belief, possibly should be given some form of cape. Back to the train.

Cockroach update:  When I had discovered that it was actually a cockroach I decided to jump back on this computer right away, instead of catching and killing the motherfucker. And then I wrote that line – back to the train – which in it’s own way was a quite brilliant sentence, informative, retrained in it’s poetry, i


Ok, ok, ok…

So I was writing the above thing, about the sentence and all that shit, and I was going off on a tangent, because I do things like that from time to time, and I didn’t quite get to the point I was trying to make, which was that because I decided to instantly write about the cockroach instead of catching the fucker and killing it, I had now lost it. I wrote that beautiful line about the train, knew where I was heading next, and thought I can write that bit after I catch it, but couldn’t find it anywhere. I think I just said the same thing twice in a row in slightly different ways, neither completely clear, but I can’t fix it right now because my adrenalin is running too fast, and now that I have mentioned that I can’t fix it, I can now never fix it or else that line won’t make sense, and I can’t get rid off that too, or else I will have written this whole paragraph for nothing.

So I was writing the above thing, about the sentence and all that shit, then I wrote ‘retrained in it’s poetry, i’ and chose that moment, of all moments, during a adorable soliloquy on the beautify to be found in the spaces left blank, the poetry not said, but implied. At least that was my intent, but instead I wrote the letter ‘i’ and took a sip of my mostly empty can of soda, and as it reached it’s almost upside down trajectory so I could pour the last droplets of deliciousness into my mouth, the fucking cockroach crawled from the bottom of the can straight towards my face!!@!!


I jumped like a fucking little bitch. I should not be called a hero. No fucking way. I am but a scared little bug with the tip of a big ass frog tongue about to snatch its face right off it’s little body. Adding a bug metaphor here was stupid, as it may confuse the issue more. But I can’t fix it now, or I will have written that for nothing. So I jumped an inhumane amount. Almost like I had the power of flight. Oh wait? Only superheroes can move like that. I am once again a hero. Thank fuck.

Please note: The fucking cockroach is now as dead as anything on this earth. It’s deader than a dinosaur fossilized, then carved out of the stone, then mashed into a powder, then snorted by some weird psychedelic scientists. Which then killed them. Because it turns out snorting dinosaur bones is dumb. And the dead scientist’s bodies were donated to scientist. Where they were cut up into little pieces and spread to medical schools and research labs across the country. Where small-minded future PHD’s used them to play ‘oh fuck my eye just fell in my salad’ practical jokes in front of their unsuspecting parents, causing at least several to have heart attacks. And when the ambulances arrive they realize the severity of the situation and race towards the hospital as fast as humanly possible, only to lose control and crash off a bridge into a river, where it explodes like a nuclear bomb due to the extremely high levels of chemical pollution which had recently been illegally dumped into the drainage that flows into this river, and will eventually be blamed for a new outbreak of leprosy which will kill 14,987 people over the course of many ‘does this water taste funny to you’ years.

Ok, brrrraaagghhheewww. I still feel dirty, it was looking at me! I think it ran at me! Why do my pubes now feel itchy, it didn’t go anywhere near there!

So the train story has kind of been lost. Fucking cockroach. But anyway, I just missed a train, then had to wait twenty minutes for the next, and instead of getting pissed off I decided to use the time to my advantage, and I made a phone call which I had been putting off due to a severe phone call phobia I suffer from, and even though there was no answer I felt good about my positivity, fear facing and time usage. I knew right as I eventually got on the train that the time had become the epitome and exemplification of why today was the best of my life. And decided then and there that this would be what my blog today would be about. Just that. No tangents. No distractions.

All ruined by a cockroach.

I could fix it, but then I would have nearly been brutally murdered by a cockroach for nothing. Sometimes things happen for a reason I guess.

Ps. Hey garbage person, sorry for leaving the many parts of a dead cockroach in the bin, I hope none of it falls out on you. But if it does and you jump an inhumane height, then you’re a goddamn superhero.

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