The Unsurpassed Day of My life quest – pugnacious slapstick stalkers



‘I’M NOT DRUNK, YOU’RE DRUNK’ he yelled, his voice loud and pugnacious. Aggressive and sure of himself. Defensive and accusatory at the same time. He dribbled as he said it. Then he crashed his car.

This was like a six-year-old kid in the café next to me about three minutes ago, talking to his mother. Luckily his car doesn’t seem to damaged, he picked it back off the floor and was driving it again within seconds. Ha ha. Is it wrong that I kind of hope he IS drunk? His mother doesn’t appear to be, but then how would a kid even know to say something like that unless he’d heard it before?

Oh fuck, I am digging into this situation in my mind and it’s suddenly turning from hilarious to possibly a hint n’ peek into a very dark childhood for this kid with possibly drunken angry parents. Although that could make for a fun slapstick based sitcom, there isn’t enough slapstick based around kids whose lives suck these days. Also ‘hint n’ peek’ could be a great name for a sitcom about a stalker who subconsciously wants to get caught. There aren’t enough sitcoms these days that really, really would get their creators in huge trouble for making fun and light of truly hideous situations.

Today is the best day of my life. And not because of the drunken kid, or the trouble I shall soon get into for my wildly popular new TV shows (by the way, I wanna play the stalkee, there aren’t enough sitcoms these days where people go ‘really, as if someone would stalk HIM!’). No today is the best day of my life because I have decided to dominate.

Well to be more accurate, as I wrote it on my leg at dawn this morning right after a pee and while still half stuck in the fun dream I was having where I was in a play, didn’t know my lines, and lots of people I know were dead – I DON’T GET TO NOT DOMINATE ANYMORE.

I am not actually sure what I meant when I wrote that. I barely remember doing it, and was in a hurry to get back into my fun dream so went back to sleep as fast as possible, but I wrote it in capitals so it must have been very, very important, and I wrote it not on my lower calf but on my inside upper thigh, which is near my inside lower upper thigh, so it may well have been sexual. Only I don’t think it was, because if it was I probably would have written it right smack bang on my upper upper thigh.

This makes me think it was about life. I’m pretty sure there is an artery or something around there where if you get speared you may bleed to death, and yet I wasn’t light with my pen, so I was literally risking my life to say it. So yeah, it was probably about life.

Now, not sure if that means I am supposed to dominate my life, other people’s lives, or the word life, but given than I don’t care for words that change a letter when pluralizing, and I am often too shy to even talk to most other people let alone dominate them, I am going to with my life. This works out too because I have more access to my own life than pretty much any other people I know’s lives. At least in the top ten. And six of those died in my fun dream last night.

Only problem is that if I am dominating myself, aren’t I also therefore being submissive to myself?


I’m going to have to think more about this. The kid and his mother have left now. I wonder who is driving home? Wait, there should be more sitcoms based around a six year old who gets a DUI, I wanna play a pugnacious guy, then people could say ‘yeah, as if that guy would have a personality trait that wasn’t conducive to dominating life’. Yep, I’m nailing it today.

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